One night I went to a friends house for dinner and she made me dirty rice. You know, the pre-made box mixes. And I remember thinking how good it was compared to when I make it. I mean, all you do is cook the ground beef and add it to the rice. I could not put my finger on what made hers better than mine. Well, the next time I made it, I noticed that my ground beef was in bigger clumps than hers and I decided that was what made hers better.
For a few weeks I thought about this. I realize this makes me sound like a complete crack pot. I mean, who obsesses over how big the chunks of ground beef are in dirty rice? Me. I obsess over these things. So, one day, in a moment of vulnerability, the following conversation took place:
Erratic: OK, I have to ask, how do you get your beef so separated when you make dirty rice?
Friend: I have a beef separating tool.
Erratic: ARE YOU SERIOUS? Where did you get it? I have to have one.
Friend: (laughing uncontrollably)
Erratic: You were kidding weren't you.
Friend: (laughing uncontrollably)
Erratic: I am serious, how do you do it? Your beef is separated perfectly every time. Mine is always in big chunks.
Friend: That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. You actually thought that I had a beef separating tool? (laughing uncontrollably)
Erratic: Stop laughing at me! I have to know!
Friend: I just use a spatula. A spatula. (laughing uncontrollably)
About a month later, I went to this friend's house for dinner. Sitting on the kitchen counter was a hand made beef separating tool. It consisted of a garden trowel taped to a spatula. I laughed so hard I peed a little.
This friend has recently let me in on a little secret: her childhood nickname was Big Jed. This was given to her by her big sister during their wrestling matches. Well, Big Jed and I decided to have a Top Chef like cook off with all of our friends as judges. So naturally, I too needed a wrestling name. So, yes, imaginary Internet friends, stay tuned for the cook off of the year...
BIG JED vs. THE BEEF SEPARATOR
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