Happy Sunday

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Burger Off!

This week is my last week of cooking in culinary school. It is very bittersweet. I want those 30 hours back and there are definitely people I never want to talk to again. But, I will miss the chefs and a handful of my classmates. I will miss the creativity and the total lack of structure when it comes to preparing food. Measuring annoys me.

This week we are doing American food and were challenged to pick two states and come up with a burger from each state and to prepare a mystery basket item, which turned out to be a hot dog. We had to do everything from scratch, from the bread to the sauces. Nothing could be store bought. I am so grateful to my classmate for making a huge batch of mayonnaise, because I break that shit every time. 

I know that I have been doing little else but posting pictures of food lately and I apologize. I promise to do something stupid and crazy and tell you about it soon.

 St Louis Burger. St Louis style (tangier and thinner) BBQ sauce with coleslaw, beer battered onion rings, and cayenne aioli. The burger is a combination of beef and pork.

 I hate hot dogs. I think they are gross. So, I figured why not wrap them in bacon and deep fry them. Turns out I like hot dogs cooked like this! They are served with the same cayenne aoili as the onion rings and carmelized onion.

California Burger. Ciabatta bread with avocado cream cheese, seasoned tomato, and micro greens, hand cut french fries and roasted garlic aoili. This burger is straight beefy goodness.

I was really proud of my burgers! I was the only one in the class to get 10's on all three and had people lined up to try the hot dog. The plates looked really good too. Yay for finals!

A day of "that's what she said" jokes

Today we smoked some meat. There was a lot of "is your meat ready?" "I can't wait to taste your meat" and "I have been playing with my meat all day" jokes, but over all it was a damn good meal. I thought you all would like to see.

 Out of the marinades and into the smoker. Starting at the front and going clockwise...brisket, half brisket (for the boy's mom), rack of ribs, pork butt.

 Mopping has begun and meat is starting to get bark.

 Brisket sliced. It was a really fatty brisket, which we just cut off as we ate it. So juicy! And check out that smoke ring. 

 Pulled Pork.

 The buffet, including my first ever attempt at cornbread. It was delicious.

 More of the buffet

 The boy's plate of food.

 

 Close up of the corn bread.

Ribs! These were done at 2:00 for our afternoon snack.

I needed a laugh today.

A blog that I read linked to this and I apologize because I do not remember whose blog it was, so sorry if I am stealing your thunder. Or something.

But, this shit. This shit is fucking hilarious. I have a weird sense of humor. I don't think most movies are funny. I think that all those TV shows everyone can't stop watching are stupid. I always joke that I am missing some sort of chromosome that controls humor. 

I have read this website like twelve times. 

You're welcome. 

No, my ass didn't take up blogging

You guys, I have NO idea what my phone did this morning. First of all, I wasn't even awake when those posts happened. My phone was plugged in on the nightstand next to me. As far as I know, the cat did not figure out how to use it, although I wouldn't put it past that fucker. I apologize. 

I don't really have anything else because it is late and I am tired. Good night, friends.

Love

I came home from work to find this on the counter. Fuck cards and flowers and romantic dinners...this absolutely melted my heart. He is so getting laid.

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Romantic conversation about deer murder.

On our way home from Valentine's Day Dinner:

The boy: "Since we are on a dark road, you should just barely hit a deer then we can keep the meat and insurance will pay to realign your car."

Erratic: "1. I do not eat road kill. 2. I don't want to kill a deer. 3. That is the worst idea you have ever had."

The boy: "I like that 'I do not eat road kill' was your first reason."

Erratic: "Well, clearly."

A few minutes later...

The boy: "That guy in front of us is drunk."

Erratic: "Or he just hit a deer and his car is out of alignment."

The boy: "It would be fixed by now."

Erratic: "Maybe it just happened and there is a bloody deer carcass in his trunk."

The boy: "We should ask him for deer jerky."

Happy Valentines Day, baby.

Food Porn VI

This week was Asia, specifically China and Japan.

 King Pao Chicken.

 Dan Dan Noodles that are the bane of my existence. I made them twice this week and they were subpar both times. New life goal: perfect the Dan Dan Noodle.

 Chinese Barbeque Pork.

 Bring on the Sushi! This is eel, obviously. Or Unagi as all the recipes said. It took me 15 minutes to figure out what the fuck Unagi was

 My first roll of sushi! This is a Dragon Roll. Tempura Shrimp in the middle, Unagi and Avocado on the outside.

 Dragon roll cut with pickled ginger and wasabi balls. I said balls.

 California rolls.

 Vegetable sushi of some kind. I didn't roll this, but my dragon rolls were on the plate, so I took a picture.

 Spicy Tuna rolls. This shit was good. We had some issues with rolling it and making it look good, as you can see. Too much rice, not enough spicy tuna.

 More of the vegetable rolls.

 Oshikashi. It is a wilted spinach salad with soy and mirin dressing. Surprisingly good.

 Seared Salmon with wasabi mayo.

 On the left are california rolls. On the right are a bunch of variety rolls...we just put a bunch of stuff in the them and rolled them. Not sure what some of them are. 

 These are the vegetable rolls done correctly. 

 Green tea rice. Surprisingly good...but the green tea that I used to make it costs $50 a pound. Probably not something I can realistically make at home.

 Up close of the Dragon Roll. You are not supposed to have that spiral affect in good quality sushi, but considering it was my first time, I think I still did a pretty good job.

Salmon Sashimi.

I do, in fact, like Primus. But that really isn't the point, now is it?

I have had a song in my head for two weeks. Two weeks of the same two lines of a song that I couldn't identify. Two weeks of it going through my head over and over and over. 

I am sitting on the couch watching Top Chef and the lyrics pop in my head again and I think, dude, I should blog about this because it is SO my life that this song has been in my head for two weeks and I have done nothing to try to figure out:

1. What song it is.
2. The rest of the lyrics.

I have told nobody about this, just sort of going through the paces with the following lyrics in my head:

"Hi kids, do you like primus? Do you want to stick nine inch nails through each one of your eyelids?"

So, clearly I have to figure out what the actual song is in order to write about it, so I google the lyrics and discover that I fail at life. 

It is Eminem's "My Name Is" and the lyrics are "Hi kids, do you like violence?"

Two things you should know about me:

1. When this album came out, I listened to it for possibly six months straight.
2. I know every single word to this song. 

Two weeks it has been in my head. TWO WEEKS and I couldn't figure out what it was. I was prepared to write, ha ha, look at this totally random song that is in my head. But, no. It is a song that I know every single word to. 

People, my life is even falling apart IN MY BRAIN. My. Brain. 

Six weeks. Just six weeks and I am done with culinary school. Then my brain will be back and I will remember songs I used to love. I promise. And if I don't, well, welcome to life with a really, really big dumbass.

Food Porn V

Last week was riddled with snow storms, so not a whole lot of pics for the week. We were in South America, where the food is spicy as FUCK. But, good. 

 Churrasco served over rice pilaf with salsa.

 Deep fried avocado. The. Best. Thing. Ever. 

 We had a cheese demo and had a shit ton of cheese leftover, so grilled cheese competition! I made a roasted red pepper, basil grilled cheese with cayenne aioli

 This was this weird beef pot roast with capers that was just not good. It was tough and blech. Plus, I plated it on a yellow plate with a mustard cream sauce? Der.

 My practical. Marinated grilled flank steak with jalapeno rice and thai chile salsa.

 Another angle.

Also my practical. Mushroom ceviche. 

Things I will never understand

1. People who come to a complete stop to merge into stopped traffic while in a lane with moving traffic.
2. Why everyone on Dog The Bounty Hunter has such fucked up hair. Also why I can't stop watching Dog The Bounty Hunter marathons.
3. People that make a huge deal out of Hallmark holidays. I mean, yes, let's have a romantic dinner. Maybe a card, but if we can't...meh. I don't think either one of us will cry about it. It's about a life two people make with each other, not a holiday catering to the florists, chocolatiers, and card makers.
4. People with no work ethic. I just, no. If you don't want to work hard, find a job that requires you be a lazy, worthless ass hole. Because, dude, a kitchen isn't exactly cut out for those of the lazy variety.
5. Why student loans have an interest rate of 12%. That should be illegal. ILLEGAL. In a year when I have to start paying this shit back, I am going to have to work 12 jobs.
6. People who misspell shit on their Facebook status and then just repost the same fucking thing two minutes later with the spelling corrected and I HAVE TO READ YOUR BULLSHIT TWICE. 
7. People who have personal email addresses that are, for example, "dirty69" and put them on their resumes. I mean, really? You might as well have put unprofessional moron under qualifications and whore under special skills. (note: this person is a redneck with me at school. She also sends out the meeting minutes to THE DIRECTOR OF OUR SCHOOL from this email.)
8. Why I do not own this shirt. 
9. People who write inane lists on their blogs instead of writing their 6 page paper and menu on the current culinary trends in India. Those people are douche bags.
10. People who can't stop eating twizzlers while writing inane lists on their blogs. People need to have self control. People are making chicken enchiladas from scratch.

Last week's food porn is late, I KNOW. Stop pressuring me. Jeesh. I will post it tomorrow. Or later. Depending on how sick I make myself on twizzlers.

I think you have the wrong person...

I do believe I have just found my doppleganger.

Stop me if you've heard this one.

I had kind of a shit day. In order to cheer me up, one of the chef's at school decided to tell me lame jokes. And for some strange reason, they both made me laugh. The last one made me laugh so hard I was crying. Mostly because the chef was actually hopping and waving. 

I thought I'd share. You know, in case any of you are having a shit day and need a lame laugh.

Joke 1:

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle

Joke 2:

An animal lover was driving down the road and looked away, when he heard a thump. He jumped out of the car and realized he had hit a rabbit and started crying. A woman pulled over and asked what was wrong. "I killed this rabbit," he said. "I have just the thing," she said and pulled a can out of her purse and sprayed the rabbit. He jumped up, hopped three times, turned around and waved, hopped three more times, turned around and waved and did this until he was out of sight. "How did you do that?" the man asked. "Simple, it's hairspray. Restores body in hair and creates a permanent wave."

Hope you all have a wonderful Thursday.

Fuck Insurance

Homeowners won't cover the knives. Auto won't cover the knives or the glass. Why do I pay for insurance again? Sigh.

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Snowmageddon? Snowpocalypse? Maybe we should stop coming up with clever names for snow storms?

Unless you live under a rock or in a state that does not get snow, you are all aware of the snow storms sweeping the country and the catch-phrases associated with them. Ohio is no different, except we mostly got ice, covered with snow, covered with ice, and repeat. All of the trees look like sad old men, hunched over in their last days. However, there is nothing more beautiful than a huge tree weighed down by ice, it's branches both sagging and glowing. It is the only thing, and I mean the only thing, that has been beautiful about this storm. The same sagging is not so beautiful on power lines, especially ones close to your house. I have no idea what time the power finally came on last night, but it was out long enough to require more blankets than usual on our bed and some animals that wanted extra cuddles.

School has been cancelled all week, so my days have been spent sleeping, sleeping, eating, sleeping, and going to work. My measly six hour shifts are totally not worth the 45 minute drive in the elements. Or enduring the SUV drivers who believe four wheel drive means you are invincible to all road conditions. 

I will never understand why we were even open these past few days. Most restaurants closed, or at least closed early. We resiliently stayed open so our four customers could enjoy their tofu burrito and salad. I don't see how they justify paying all of us to be there. Or why anyone would eat tofu.

So, I am surviving the storm, but mostly on thoughts of my vacation in September, which I am now going to gush about. Because, seriously, I need some sunshine thoughts right about now. 

My mom got me a certificate for a 7 night stay in any Wyndham Resort plus airfare for graduation. And being my mother and all, she told me the second she purchased the certificates. So, after about 30 seconds of deliberation and a google search, I decided on here. But, Erratic, you could go anywhere in the U.S. or the Caribbean, you ask? Ha! You have underestimated my dorkiness. Because nowhere else in the world has THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER. Yes, the boy has agreed to be drug around by my ridiculous ass for an entire day through the wonders of THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER. We are probably going to do some other shit while we are down there too. Like eat and drink and lay in the sun and nap. I am so excited I cannot find the words to express it. It is more like squeals. And some jumping. Maybe a little clapping.

You may all now commence rolling your eyes at my complete fandom. Don't hurt yourselves.

How will I get through the next 8 months without the anticipation making me crazy? Whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey.