Could you kill a lobster with a knife?

I am an omnivore, through and through. I love meat, I love fish, I love vegetables, I love fruit. You get the point. I love food. In my meat and poultry class, I had no issue fabricating large cuts of meat into single servings. None. I didn't think about the animal, I only thought about the delicious, delicious meat in my belly.

Today I filleted my first fish and it was nothing like that. It is hard not to think about it being a living thing when it's dead eye is staring at you while you cut perfect fillets from it's carcass. When I picked it up in my hand, it felt different than picking up a cut of meat. It had scales and a fin and eyes and little fish lips. And my heart sort of cringed. Then I got out my knife and made that first cut, and a very small part of me died. I don't know how to explain that part of me, maybe people feel this way the first time they hunt. Or even fish. I have never taken any thing's life that was not insect. The one time I had mice, I refused to kill them. Refused.

I try very hard to eat meat from food sources that are humane. I cannot stomach eating veal that is not free-range. The first time I heard how veal were raised was the closest I have ever come to being a vegetarian.

At some point in the next few weeks I am going to be required to kill a lobster with a knife. Through the brain. Just hold and stab. The chef instructor all but said you were weak if you couldn't do this. I just don't think I can. I am not weak. I just value life and I can't see killing something with my bare hands.

I have done research, I have watched videos on people killing animals on farms. I am aware of how it works and what goes into it and that it can be humane and it can be cruel. I do not think there is anything wrong with the circle of life. There are people out there who can kill an animal, fabricate it, and eat it. I am just not that person. I am perfectly OK with this.

I mean, people, I read this yesterday and sobbed like a little girl. I don't even know these people or their dog.

So, tomorrow I fillet another sole. I hope it is easier, that the fish eye staring back at me doesn't make me feel the way it did today. And I seriously, seriously hope that I come down with the flu on lobster day.