Monday, July 5, 2010

I am a giant fan of Mr. Bean, which is mostly irrelevant to this post.

I have been spending a lot of time at the pool. I am not really a pool person as much as I am a lay in the sun (with 45 sunblock on) and drink person. I dislike water and being in water, so, you know, there is that. And I have moderately fair skin. I mean, I will tan, but I will also burn like a mother fucker.

So, last Thursday I went to the pool with my step mom and a friend of hers. I was in the sun for five hours. I was drinking Jack. I laid only on my back.

I had a wicked sunburn. Which has now faded into some funny ass tan lines. Like, seriously, there is line on my left calf. A distinct line. Not, like, this may be a shadow. More like, this girl fell asleep with a blanket covering half her calf and she was obviously drunk when it happened. Which, let's be honest, I wasn't sober.

So, I am like, the blog world needs to see this line. And I took, like, 7 million pictures of my calf and you couldn't see the sunburn! I am real-life looking at a leg that is an accidental splicing of two ethnicity's and camera-life is like, nope, bitch, one ethnicity. I tried different lighting. I tried flexing my calf muscle? Admittedly that last one was a tad lame. I tried different settings on my camera. Nothing. Nada. My skin refused to be caught in such a state. Or I own some sort of ethnic splicing modesty camera.

I am pissed. I wanted to share my horror and pain with people who don't care to read about it. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE THE INTERNET. Right? I mean, right? So, I am checking out all parts of my body that have the sunburn and I am like, sweet, boobs are sunburned too! They will at least show the level of sunburn and then I can tell the story of the leg and this will work! People will understand!

You know what is unattractive? Boobs. On camera. OK, maybe just my boobs. I get home, bra comes off. This is my life. So, I take a picture and I am like, holy fuck, are those Betsy Ross's boobs? So, I attempt with my arm to squeeze them into cleavage that is appropriate for the Internet. Nope. I need lift. I put on a bra. Holy Porn Star Batman. That is NOT going on my blog. Then I stop and think, on what planet does ANYONE who reads your blog want to see a picture of your sun burned boobs? Balls! That is inappropriate on every fucking level ever made.

This lead to an internal moral monologue that was pretty much me saying over and over that I will never put my boobs on the Internet.

I mean, I was wearing a tank top. It was only a cleavage shot. But, seriously moral compass...WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU ON THIS ONE?

I really just wanted to share the horror that was my sunburn. Sigh. Intentions.

Also? Someone on Last Comic Standing just said "I look like Mr. Bean if Mr. Bean was a rapist" and I literally died. DIED. Funny shit.

This post really went nowhere.

1 comment:

Bradshaw said...

I want to see that picture. I do.