My shins will never be the same.

You know how sometimes you get this great idea for a gift that is going to be AWESOME and the person receiving it is going to LOVE it. Then you give it to them and it kills them or puts them in the hospital or causes their face to swell up...

That is sort of what this was like:

Christmas, Part II

On our drive out to St. Louis, we dropped my grandfather off in Indianapolis to celebrate Christmas with my uncle and cousins. We met at an Arby's in the ghetto and sort of foisted him off on my Uncle, still talking to us as we drove off. It was quite humorous, the man never stops talking. Also? He does things like this with no alcohol and very little help from us:

Yes, he is 84.

On the way home, we stayed a night with my cousin and her husband before driving home. My dad's side of the family is somewhat notorious for their alcohol tolerance. My cousin once drank a gallon of apple martini mix and then cracked a bottle of wine when we got home. I am not exaggerating. I can drink most people in my life under the table. So, when we get together, this is what happens:

There were mainly 6 of us drinking; male cousin and his girlfriend, female cousin and her husband, the boy (who only drank beer) and me. I know, I know, you are all writing your intervention letters...and it did get a little crazy that night, which is unusual for us. I ended the night by vomiting, which I was convinced was due to not eating enough. The boy told me the next morning I was also falling over. Awesome.

However, male cousin and his girlfriend apparently got in a huge fight. I woke up the next morning and female cousin said she got a text from his girlfriend that just said she left at about 4 am. My uncle also got a call asking him to pick her up at 4 am, as she tried to walk to his house and couldn't make it? That part was fairly unclear, because she was wasted. If there is any doubt, please see the picture again. Nobody has any idea what happened and male cousin and his girlfriend are refusing to talk about it. It was all very strange. My uncle has called my dad several times trying to find out if I told him what happened, which, yeah, no idea.

My grandfather said the next morning there were lots of tears, but you never really know how much truth there is to what he says. So, I guess it will remain a mystery.

So, that was my two part holiday adventure. How did all of you spend Christmas?

Christmas, Part I

Christmas was oddly calm this year. My holidays are usually spent flying or driving all over the country to see various members of my family. Everyone will meet in one city and Christmas is mass chaos. There is always drama, as my family tends to cause trouble wherever we go. Lies are told, people are manipulated, and someone always ends up in tears. Merry Christmas, right? This year was totally different. The boy and I drove to St. Louis and spent the weekend before Christmas with my mother, stepfather, grandmother, sister, and my sister's fiance. All the boy did was sleep and eat and I feel like I didn't do a whole hell of a lot more than that. It was boring. In a really really good way.

The only excitement came from my grandmother...who we all know is a tad off her rocker. We were supposed to all gather (my other three aunts - the drama makers - and everyone listed above) in St. Louis. My aunts scheduled a craft show for that weekend, so we cancelled the family gift exchange and decided to just buy small for everyone. My grandmother claimed that my mom (the bearer of bad news) cancelled Christmas and my grandmother wanted nothing to do with it. So, when we arrived, we were not sure what to expect. I called her when we got there because otherwise we get a frantic phone call claiming I am dead somewhere in Illinois.

Erratic: "I just wanted to call and let you know I made it safe and sound."

Grandma: groans

Erratic: "Are you OK?"

Grandma: "I have had a migraine for a week. I can't leave the house. I think I am dying."

Erratic: "You are not dying. Have you called the doctor?"

Grandma: "Yes, he put me on steroids."

Erratic: "So, you left the house to go to the doctor?"

Grandma: groans

Erratic: "OK, well, get some sleep, I will call you tomorrow."

The next morning she told my mom that she hasn't eaten in 5 days, so we made chicken noodle soup and went grocery shopping for a bunch of migraine-friendly food. When we got to her house, she was fine. I mean, completely and totally fine. She was ranting and raving about how China is trying to kill us and she refuses to buy anything made in China, even though I pointed out like 14 things IN THE ROOM that were made in China. Sigh.

So, we had to postpone Christmas until she "felt better" which caused everyone to say over and over, "Where's grandma, I want to open presents," something I said a few years earlier and have not lived down. I hate surprises and tend to get a tad impatient when there are 15 wrapped surprises in my presence. Let's just say my biggest childhood accomplishment was steaming open presents and then wrapping them and never getting caught. Oh, and taking the hinges off of closet doors that were locked. That served well both for presents and liquor.

When we left, my step dad, who even hates his own children, told the boy what a pleasure it was to have him this weekend and stated it was the best Christmas he has ever had with my family. It took me most of the drive home to recover from this.

Christmas part II will follow shortly.

Merry Christmas!

I had two of my family Christmas's this past weekend and have a ton of really funny stories and pictures. However, I will probably not post any of them until after Christmas because no one in the history of ever has been this tired.

So, Merry Christmas everyone!

Bald Spot

A picture of the bald spot, per the request of anonymous. Although, I know who anonymous is. Unless you are really anonymous, then, hi! I don't know you...

Christmas - Meh

Today has been one of those days where I want to crawl into bed and never ever crawl out.

Everyone handles stress differently and the holidays bring about a ridiculous amount of stress. This is the first year that I have not had stress in a long time, the first year that I have been excited for Christmas. I feel so completely alone in this. Everyone around me seems frazzled and unwilling to participate in my holiday cheer. Not that I am skipping through the streets with mistletoe or anything. Holiday cheer in my world amounts to, well, not screaming "Fuck Christmas" every chance I get.

It just seems sort of lonely. Maybe it is the lack of office Christmas festivities and lunch time shopping sprees since I have been buying Christmas presents and stocking stuffers by myself. But, I don't think I have heard a living soul say the word "Christmas" with anything but disdain more than 4 or 5 times.

Is it stupid that I just want someone to sit and appreciate the Christmas tree with me, despite it's glaringly obvious bald spot I can't stop looking at and am going to fix immediately after I finish this post?

Is it weird that I am excited to go home, for the first time in a year? Is it unreasonable to think that a single member of my family should be excited that I am coming home?

I guess I realize how I seemed to everyone else year after year, when I despised Christmas and wanted nothing more than for it to just pass. It is amazing what a difference it makes when you have time to stop and appreciate the people around you, regardless of if they have the time to stop and appreciate you.

This is actually happenning.

Remember the whore from the other night? I am trying to forget it too, so I'll give you a minute to re-read that post. Done? Awesome.

It turns out that the whore and the boy's friend (now the whore couple) are having secret sex and keeping it from another mutual friend of ours. I did not know this. Like, at all. When the boy told me that they were hooking up, I didn't even know who she was until I saw her at the Christmas party and was like, ohhhhh...THAT whore.

After we all parted ways, the whore couple went out with the friend they were trying to keep the sex from. This friend was trying to set the whore up with her husband's cousin. (I am aware how confusing this is, but it is necessary to the story. Stay with me here.) The whore couple arrives and the setup has NO idea that they are together, because they have been friends for years. So, he starts flirting with the whore, male whore gets pissed, threats were made, angry words exchanged, and everyone left pissed at everyone.

During all of this, I am texting with our friend and said that I was surprised the whore couple made it there because when we left them, they appeared to be on a one way train to sex town. Yeah, I said that. Friend is shocked, wants the details, I am shocked she doesn't know, details are shared.

Take a deep breath, that part of the story is over.

This morning, the boy sends me a picture of an iPhone conversation between him and the male whore. (This guy isn't actually a whore, it is just easier for the story.) Male whore had forwarded a grammatically repugnant text from the whore, pissed because everyone knew they were having "the sex." (her words, not mine) Basically, it said that the boy told me, I told our mutual friend, who then confronted the whore about lying to her. The male whore then tells the boy that they need to talk.

I reacted the way anyone over 12 would react, which was to say, I don't give a shit if he is mad, if he doesn't want people to know he's boning her, don't tell anyone or stop boning her. They are both single, culpable adults. Oh, and if something is a secret, precede the telling of said secret with DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS. Whatever. Eyes were rolled and I put it out of my mind.

When the boy got home from work, he called the male whore, who was having some sort of middle school flashback. He punched a wall, said that our mutual friend was dead to him, told the boy he was pissed at me, but not mad at the boy. All of this because we caused him to lose the love of his life, which, right. Apparently he is going to die alone and nobody wants to be with him and a bunch of other really dramatic stuff. My favorite part? The boy was in charge of telling the mutual friend that she was dead to him. No, I am not making that up. I am surprised he didn't ask him to call her on three-way so he could listen.

The boy and I have spent the evening laughing and in a complete state of shock, because, well, WHAT THE FUCK? All of these people have known each other for 18 years. I cannot even imagine what those 18 years have been like...

In order to avoid any further confusion, I want all of you to know that the boy and I are having the sex. We are also living in sin. And we never ever ever ever call it "the sex."

Now I will never have to have someone random call any of you and tell you that you are dead to me. You're welcome.

Would you like some cheese with your wine?

I cut off all my hair. I had dinner with Krackle, then we got pedicures. With a gift certificate. I finished my Christmas shopping, came home, and had a glass of wine.

I logged on to the computer and checked my exam results. I passed my ServSafe exam, which is moderately awesome.

The boy worked late, but brought me McDonald's fries and we watched Big Bang Theory.

I am looking at a toy that I bought for my favorite little girl on earth. On the other side is a Christmas tree, filled with years and years of memories. I see the stockings that I can't wait to see filled for the first Christmas morning the boy and I will spend together.

I read a blog tonight and found that she linked to me, after I posted a moderately stalker-like comment on her blog. Seriously, though, she may be impersonating me. And you can't stalk yourself, right? Mutual stalking is legal, isn't it? I mean, really, who is stalking who here? I think I need a lawyer...

I, after a ridiculously dramatic morning, missed my first class, and walked into kitchen with everyone so excited and worried. Nothing has ever made me feel so welcome.

I know that Thanksgiving is when you give thanks...but holy shit, I am surrounded by awesomeness. I am so grateful for the life I have, the readers I have, the love I have, and the career I am growing. Cheesefest over...love you all.

The boy, the whore, and the slurring.

So. Tonight. Where do I start...

The boy is a member of this charity, that we will call the Happy Club. That is not what it is actually called, but it might as well be. He goes to a monthly meeting where he comes home wasted. I never actually hear about any good they are doing...just the drinking they are doing.

In October, I went to the Installation Dinner where a new president was "installed" and the boy became an official member. We got there early and I started talking with the bar tender who I dubbed the beer whisperer. I got ridiculously drunk and cursed her for all of time. I am fairly certain I gave her my number, but can't be sure. Yeah. It was that bad.

Tonight was the Christmas dinner. I decided to be the designated driver and redeem myself from my ridiculousness the last time I got together with them. The boy, however, decided to get ridiculous. His friend brought a date, who...well...let's just say she has seen a few poles in her time. She was wearing a dress that came slightly below her underwear and was so low cut her hot pink bra was sticking out of the top most of the night. She got so drunk, at one point, I was holding her up. Oh, and she was wearing a faux leopard skin coat. And knee high furry boots.

I was sober. Let me repeat that. I. WAS. SOBER. There is nothing quite like being totally sober and having to hold up a whore. DAMNIT, I SHOULD HAVE FOUND A POLE. Sigh.

So, the entire way home the boy was talking nonsensically and slurring. I have no idea what he said, if anything at all. He could have been like, hey, that is a car. But, it would have sounded like Sheyshayoingiqyaproiangkrlejs car.

When we got home, I felt it was only fair that I caught up. I mean, der. It was only 10 pm. There was drinking to be done. So, I grabbed myself a glass of wine and flipped on the T.V. (there was this crazy huge business fire down the street I had to watch.) I finished my first glass and asked the boy to refill me. He grabs a completely empty bottle of wine, takes out the cork, walks all the way over to my glass, and stands there for an uncomfortable amount of time "pouring" it before he realized it was an empty bottle in the recycling pile.

I laughed my ass off. I may have pointed. His response was shioewnfk waoin empty.

If you don't watch Top Chef, just skip this one.

Disclaimer: I do not think because I have had 8 weeks of culinary training that I know more than anyone else about food. These are just my opinions. Also, wine has been consumed. Continue with caution.

I follow Top Chef contestants past and present on Twitter and love hearing about where they eat and seeing pictures of food they make. I watch each episode at least 5 times. I study their technique and watch everything from their knife skills to how long they cook something as simple as a potato. If Top Chef was a cult, I would be a founding member, forcing all of you to cook an egg until it was perfect. COOK AN EGG DAMN IT. Sorry. I am getting carried away.

Who do I want to win? I feel like Kevin is someone I have something in common with. I feel that I could sit down at a table with him and drink some wine and laugh. I feel like he is my kind of people. I want him to move into my house and cook for me everyday.

Michael is amazing. The way his mind works is phenomenal. I am not a fan of deconstructed food...it feels like a lot of work. I want my shit constructed. But, he approaches food in a way that reminds me of Richard Blaise, who goes down in my top 5 favorite contestants ever. I enjoy watching him and would enjoy his food every once in a while.

I can't get a read on Bryan. His food has sort of faded in between his brother and Kevin for me. However, if the brothers Voltaggio had restaurants side by side, I would choose his over Michael's. I would have rather seen Jen here, but that is just me.

I am basing NONE OF THIS on what the judges say. Just my impressions...

Course 1:

Kevin: Squash casserole with tomatoes and fried chicken skin. Um. Where do I sign up?

Bryan: Not a fan of sardines. Again, though, I just forgot it the instant he came out. Do I have Bryan amnesia?

Michael: Dehydrated Broccoli? Rename that. Gross. It didn't even look good to me.

Course 2: (I am making up names for these dishes as I go)

Kevin: Rockfish with squash, celery, and mushroom. For reals, just the way he describes his food is so appetizing. Undercooked mushrooms are gross, though (a comment from the chefs.)

Bryan: Rockfish over squash with curry and lemon: You had me at curry. OMG I REMEMBERED YOU.

Michael: Glazed rockfish with sweet and sour crab salad. This sounds pretty kick ass, except not a fan of things "glazed." But, sweet and sour with crab? Sounds very interesting and yummy.

Course 3: (again, made up names)

Kevin: Slow roasted pork belly. Holy mother fucking shit pork belly is yummy. That is all really.

Bryan: Venison saddle w/ puree of sunchoke. Did someone just talk? What just happened? Again...forgettable. Looked good...but not memorable.

Michael: Fennel scented squab breast. And some other shit. It just sounds so complicated. I am sure it is really good, but, I don't know. His food overwhelms me sometimes. Like, I would love to spend 6 months watching him cook because he is bad ass, but it just doesn't translate well to T.V. or something. Oh, and BURN. They called your food a gimmick.

Course 4: I don't like dessert, so I am choosing not to care. Except Kevin put bacon in his, which he puts in like everything, which makes me love him more than I love bacon. Seriously. If you can put bacon in all 4 courses in a 4 course meal? WIN!

I want Kevin to win. Why? Because his food translates to all audiences. It is not pretentious, but yet it is really fucking good. It appeals to the masses. Isn't that what being a chef is all about? It certainly is what being a chef means to me.

If you watched the show you know how it ended. I am not a spoiler man. :)

Why you should never buy Super Mario Brothers for the Wii the same week the new Harry Potter movie comes out on DVD.

Erratic: "I really want to play Mario AND watch Harry Potter."

The boy: "You could watch Harry Potter on your laptop and play Mario on the T.V."

E: "Yeah...I might also need an intervention."

TB: "You could come down here and watch that."

E: "This really isn't helping. You should just run to the store and buy a second T.V."

TB: "Play Mario for an hour then watch Harry Potter. In the meantime, I will organize your intervention."

Not so crazy after all...

Hoarders. Hm.

Goats have eaten through your walls.

There are feet of used adult diapers covering the floor in your house. Yes, I said feet.

The health department has declared your house uninhabitable.

You have not had water or gas for two years.

Animals have defecated all over your home.

You fell off your medical toilet and laid in your own waste being eaten by bugs until the fire department broke down the door and rescued you.

I understand mental illness. I understand that people have compulsions that cannot be rationally explained. I have some of my own - a very strong dislike for odd numbers, except multiples of five. I am claustrophobic to the point that I will claw your eyes out if you close in my face and upper body and I can't move my arms. I am terrified of bugs and have had panic attacks when faced with them.

I get crazy.

Hoarders? I do not get that crazy. I just don't. I cannot, on any level, comprehend how it gets there. How you have so much feces and urine in your bathroom that it eats through the floor and the foundation into the basement.

The thought of the smell makes me gag.

What I really don't get? How can your family have no idea this is going on? I realize that I might be abnormally close to my family, but at some point don't you at least notice that your mother smells like sewage? Don't you at least ask why?

If you have never seen this show, don't start watching. Trust me on this. It makes you want to walk up to every single house with a messy yard and ask if they need help. It makes my stack of things to be filed seem so much more normal, I almost want to hug it. In fact, I may throw it all over my living room and roll in it.

Most of all, it makes realize that my family is pretty kick ass because they would walk in and be like, "Dude, Erratic, your house smells like shit." And it would just be the trash.

Update: I meant, like, there was some chicken from last nights dinner in the trash and it started to smell. Not, the trash covering my floor. I mean, there isn't trash covering my floor. Or anything other than rugs. And probably some dog hair. And maybe some synthetic pine needles from the tree, we haven't vacuumed. STOP JUDGING ME. I will vacuum tomorrow.

Christmas

When my sister and I were born, we were assigned a Christmas theme and ever year we get ornaments based on this theme. Mine is Santa, which I love and have embraced as my own personal Christmas theme.

Today, the boy and I put up our first tree together.

My family is not one of traditions. Those that we have, we have started after we were all adults. Santa is really all I've got and I hope to be able to pass a similar tradition on to my children.

The whole tree full of Santas.

Two of my favorite Santas...the chef Santa and the Santa we accidentally strangled with lights. His little feet dance when you move them.

The tree topper. He is a tad large for the tree and I don't care. I love him.

Marry me, Mario. You too, Luigi.

I have a confession. Please don't judge me, I can't help it.

I love all things Super Mario Brothers. I have kept a Super Nintendo since, well, I still liked to play dress up. Just to play Super Mario and Yoshi's Island on an old school controller that had a limited number of buttons. When the Wii came out, I was all psh, I don't need that. I have a Super Nintendo! I am old school, bitches. Then I played Wii bowling at my uncle's house and was like, holy fucktastic, this rocks. I slowly got suckered in. Still, though, it felt like a group thing to me. Not something I would sit and do by myself.

I spent the entire day studying for my ServSafe exam, but since I am one of those people who can't sit in silence, the ABC Family Harry Potter marathon was on in the background. My life changed forever when a commercial came on for the new Super Mario Brothers Wii.

I heard the music. You know the music.

I looked up, curious. I saw them. That family playing simultaneously. A Mario, A Luigi, Two Toadstools. Working together to conquer evil and safe the Princess.

I grabbed my phone and sent a message to the boy.

"OMG. We need Super Mario Brothers for the Wii. Like, right now."

Everything seemed to fall in place as if it was destiny. He brought the game home. (Along with some Burt's Bee's because he accidentally washed mine and I am addicted to the shit.)

It took me 15 minutes to figure out that you pressed 2 to pick a level. And then, my life changed forever. HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS GAME IS AWESOME. I see an intervention in my future. One day, you will all arrive at my house and I will be dirty and underfed and likely drunk. You will have to pry the controller out of my hand as I scream "THE PRINCESS, SAVE THE PRINCESS." I will throw myself on the floor, sobbing for humanity. I will end up in a padded room jumping around as if killing mushrooms and turtles. Getting big. FIREBALLS. The spinny mushroom, where I just fly away....sigh.

What is really awesome is that both the boy and I can play at the same time. And bounce off each other's heads. And push each other into canyon's. I CAN HIT HIM WITH FIREBALLS.

Also, Mario and Luigi may be more than friends...the end of the level is a little, well, dirty. I'm just saying.

Best. Night. Ever.

Holy statutory rape, batman!

You know what I find endlessly amusing? When they do ER scenes on shows that are not medical in nature and the doctor comes out and he is all "let's intubate, stat" and you giggle because the acting is so bad and the actor has that smug look on his face, like, I totally just pulled that off. I just spent 2 hours in that moment. The amusement wears off after about, oh, a moment.

Also, I had popcorn for dinner and came home and had some wine and am now kind of accidentally drunk and a tad sick to my stomach. I felt the public deserved to know.

I read the entire Twilight series. Just once. And if you know me, this is not a compliment. I have read the Harry Potter series at least 15 times. I am not doing my whole exaggerating numbers thing either. I actually estimate the number being closer to 20 and talking about it right now reminds me I haven't read it in almost a year and now I may start reading it tomorrow. Holy crap, is this wine pure grain alcohol?

I finally saw New Moon. If you don't know what this is, you also probably didn't realize Thanksgiving just happened and you may be a hermit. When I saw Twilight, it was opening weekend and a bunch of prepubescent girls were screaming and jumping and hugging and snapping pictures with their cell phones of Robert Pattinson (Edward) every fucking time he was on the screen. I am not sure people realize how close they were to the "Twilight Massacre." Naming it calmed me. I also toyed with "Prepubescent Murder Spree" and "Just fucking die right now." I am not so good at naming crime sprees.

Where was I? Oh, right. I have been reading reviews and blogs and watching TV and being unhermit like. The general consensus was: holy crap Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is hot. He is 17. I have spent almost two weeks silently judging all of you. He's a kid! How can you find a kid attractive! Seek help!

I stand corrected when I begrudgingly agree with the masses who have said they are willing to go to jail for that. The shame! At one point I thought, "I should look away" and then immediately thought, "holy shit, am I drooling" which was followed by "THE SHAME." Then he turned into a wolf. I don't so much go for the animal thing, so let's just say someone out there knew what we would all be thinking and saved us from ourselves. It is possible he may have then gotten wet and I passed out. I can't be sure.

If you were to ask me to review the movie? It is a good story, it is entertaining. Other than that...I would mention some pecks, some really bad dreams that made me laugh the acting was so bad, so much overacting I vomited a little in my mouth, and oh! isn't that Dakota Fanning? When did she grow up? If you haven't seen it yet, you just saw it. You're welcome. You owe me $15, which includes my popcorn. The drink is on me.