This product may mean the end of the world.

I am starting this post by saying that no, I am not in fact making this up. I wouldn't know how to make this up. Nor would I want to. This actually happened. You may now either laugh your ass off or pity me. I am OK with either reaction. Or both.

On our way to Louie's, our favorite restaurant, the boy suggests that we get the dogs neuticles. So that they can better cope with not having balls. You have to click on the link now, I know. I will wait.

...

OK. THAT JUST HAPPENED. Let me share a little excerpt with you in case, for some strange reason, you did not click on the link out of morbid curiosity.

Here's How It Works...

Provide us your pets age, weight and breed. We can determine the size Neuticles^® your pet will require based on that information. Select which model you would like and purchase using any major credit card.

Let's discuss a few things here. We will start with the obvious, which I will refrain from typing in all capital letters with 7 million exclamation points.

Who sat in their recliner, thinking, dogs really struggle with being neutered and losing their balls? You know what I should invent? Fake testicle implants so that they can acclimate to their life without balls.

Then they did it.

Then they patented it.

Then people bought it.

AND HAD THEIR DOGS GO THROUGH UNNECESSARY SURGERY TO HAVE FAKE TESTICLES IMPLANTED.

Oopsie. Rage leaked out a little there.

Then they developed different models of the neuticles. Original. Natural. Ultra Plus. And Ultra Plus with Epididymis.

Then...THEN..they sent in letters. That say things like this:

Some of my friends have commended me for being a caring owner who knew the importance of maintaining Bruno's natural look.

YOUR FRIENDS ARE ASSHOLES, DUDE. COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Sorry. Lost a little control.

It is funny when the boy talks about it because he is kidding. And this is ridiculous. And it just reminds me that when I think humanity cannot get worse, I am sorely underestimating them.

I am recruiting an army...an army to find every person who buys neuticles for their pet and punch them in the face. Or neuticles, depending on the gender of the owner. Who is with me?

I am now going to make sure that my vet does NOT perform this surgery.