This woman says it all...

I often find it hard to express the way this lifestyle makes me feel. I love it, first and foremost. But, I do feel like an outsider. And I feel like people don't always understand. This chef explains everything so perfectly I can't even try to paraphrase it. Just read.

http://www.theatlantic.com/life/archive/2011/07/a-chefs-confession-its-tough-to-always-be-an-outsider/242563/

Nobody is allowed to speak to me until Thursday.

Whenever I share my blog with someone new, I look back through the most recent blog posts. I don't know why. Maybe to see what they will read, in some hope that it isn't 15 blog posts of me being stupid and insane. Or a million pictures of my cat. 

So, last night I shared my blog with Moski and did my usual routine. I stumbled on the tribute to Kobi and kind of lost it. I was just looking at the pictures and sobbing. His ashes and pictures are a major center piece in my living room. I look at his picture every single day. I don't know what made me lose it, but I did. I think it is a sign of the toll this weekend took.

I promise to post all of the tales of this weekend, because my grandmother was in rare form. There are a collection of stories that will surely make you laugh. In the meantime, I am going to just sort of decompress and be as antisocial as possible. Because the last four days were filled with nothing but socializing and hosting and cooking and being nice and friendly and personable. BEING PERSONABLE IS EXHAUSTING. I do much better with cranky, surly, sweary, and sarcastic. 

Welcome, Moski. Sorry if there are a lot of pictures of my cat. Thank God you like cats.

For obvious reasons I can't show the whole thing...

But, you guys. This is a thing. This happened. Today. It feels nothing like I thought it would. I expected this sense of accomplishment and pride. Really? I am just happy I didn't fall on the stage. 

To next steps, I guess. And to finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. Now if I could only figure out how the fuck to grow up, we'd be good.

Thanks for the words of encouragement for the past two years. Thanks for having faith in me when I didn't have it in myself. Just thanks. Love you guys.

So...

This is going to be a little random. But, I was putting away groceries and just clicked on the T.V. and MTV was on. I was probably watching Teen Mom because I can't get enough of that shit. It was True Life: "I want to be straight."

One of the people was a black woman who was a lesbian and pretty much ended the show as a lesbian. The other was a guy whose parents and friends are super religious and do not support him being gay. So, he tries to become straight. And every conversation is just like, oh, I talked to this girl, but I don't think I am emotionally ready for that relationship. And I, being the calm, tactful person that I am, am screaming "BECAUSE YOU LIKE PENIS" at the T.V. By the end of the show, he was just sort of like, well, I guess I am going to be alone forever. 

We are legalizing gay marriage. Slowly but surely it is happening. As a country, we are becoming more and more accepting of this lifestyle. Then there are his parents who basically will have nothing to do with him if he is dating men.

I just. NO. No. No. No. You are his parents. It is your job, as a parent, to love your child. 

I just don't understand. And every person who I have encountered that feels this way has tried to explain it to me and I still just don't understand. Nor do I think I want to. 

Also, I am completely soaked in sweat from going to the grocery store. So, you know, Erratic goes to Alaska coming soon.

Be Right Back? Maybe.

You guys, I graduate in six days. SIX. DAYS. My entire family arrives in four days. FOUR. DAYS.

On the plus side, I have four days off.

On the negative side, I am going to be poor. And my entire family is coming.

I am so excited. And terrified. And excited.

Gah! I may be absent around here for the next week or so. Or I may be blogging the hilarious things my grandmother is saying. It could go either way.

Either way, wish me luck! The end has finally arrived.

Lobster anyone?

I often say that I fail at being an adult. Mostly because I do. I make irresponsible decisions, mostly because they are more fun than the adult decisions.

Friday was one of those days. Iceburg Jones and I decided to sneak beer into my condo's pool and lay out. Now, this may not seem like THAT bad of a decision other than the fact that both of us have the subtlety of a Mack truck. We had can cozies, so you know, at least we thought that far in advance. And made a cooler out of an old make up bag that was insulated. We are the epitome of class, I tell you.

So, we laid out and secretly (note: not at all) drank beer and watched children play in the pool. Which was relaxing and fun. After a few hours, we decided to head home because I had to get ready to go see Harry Potter. 

I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror and gasped. Holy sunburn. Bright. Fucking. Red. It is bad. Then while waiting for the premiere, Iceburg Jones sends me a picture of him and the spray on sunblock he used of mine apparently wasn't applied evenly. If this blog wasn't semi-anonymous, I would share the picture because it made me laugh hysterically. I also got the following texts.

"I am a monster"

"My torso looks tie-dyed"

"I look like Freddy Kreuger's slightly less scary son."

After the movie, I stopped at the store to get aloe and when I stopped to ask a clerk, all I got was "where is the..." before she immediately guided me to aloe. I asked if it was that bad and her response? "Honey, you are glowing."

Son of a bitch.

Then I woke up today sick from the sunburn, which has never happened to me. Has this ever happened to any of you? I was super sick to my stomach, running a fever (I think...could have just been my skin), and slept almost the entire day. 

This time, I wish I had chosen to be an adult and cleaned or something. I'd say lesson learned, but let's be honest, I will probably make the stupid decision next time too.

I almost killed Harry Potter

Alternate Title: I am the dark lord.

Last night was the premiere of the final Harry Potter Movie. Which, in any other circumstance, I am all about. Last night was the first time I have ever doubted my loyalty. The first time that I have ever thought, you know, I want to kill Harry Potter. And get a snake.

I work at an outdoor mall that has a large movie theater. One of my coworkers was transferred to a different location and we went out for farewell drinks after work. We were all oblivious to the horror that awaited until we walked out of the bar and swarms of wizards were coming out of the theater. You guys, I have never seen anything like it in my life. Gryffindor scarves, robes, wands, and so many people we couldn't see. There were people fucking everywhere.

I get to the parking garage and it was just cars. Non moving cars. Hoards of wizards in non moving cars.

I was laughing. Oh, haha, this is so crazy. Giggle, giggle. Surely we will start moving soon.

We didn't.

I was texting Iceburg Jones who was having similar problems on the other side of the garage. Angry texting. Murderous texting.

Once I finally got my car out of the parking spot I was in, I immediately went into "I know this garage better than you do" mode and "I am going to kill all of you right now" mode.

I told a woman if she didn't fucking move, I would run her over. Told may be an understatement. I screamed it out the window. I almost rear ended Iceburg Jones after I almost ran that bitch over. I gripped my steering will so hard I think I almost broke it.

THEN. THEN. I had to pee. So I had to stop at the ghetto gas station by the airport to pee.

We left a little before 2 am. I got home at 3:10 am in a murderous rage.

I got on my laptop to, you know, calm down and read some blogs. Iceburg Jones sent me a gchat that just said THESE WERE YOUR PEOPLE. HOW COULD THESE BE YOUR PEOPLE? I laughed so hard I peed a little.

I am still going to see the movie tonight, despite the fact that last night I really thought I was going to run over every costumed ass hole in that parking garage. 

Lesson learned, I suppose.

Updates

A few random things. Krackle sent me a gchat that just said "update your blog" so I guess that I need to update my blog. You guys are so needy. Jeez.

NCH is doing great, fine, super, still trying to kill me. I accidentally locked him in the guest room yesterday when I went to work, even though I find this to be impossible, somehow I did it. So, when I got home yesterday, he was batting my hand away every time I tried to pet him. He was doing the same to the boy. So, suffice to say, he is back to normal. Pissed and evil. Here is a picture of his belly after the surgery.

It looks like the surgery was done with a chainsaw because he has so much fat on his belly. He kind of has a fat butt on his belly now. It makes me laugh.

Short Dog also got his teeth cleaned and the vet said they were on side by side tables, which for some reason, made me happy. Even though they kind of hate each other. 

I graduate in less than two weeks, which is equal parts exciting and nerve wracking. There are a lot of preparations to do and a part of me is kind of regretting having a party and making a big deal out of it. It is an associates degree in culinary arts, it's not like I am becoming a doctor. And I am almost 30 years old. I feel a bit ridiculous making such a big deal out of it, but it is too late now. So, I guess own it and drink up, right? Plus, my cousin is bringing her twins, so that alone makes it worth it. BABIES!

I will end on a final story, which is quite hilarious. I went to this gay bar on campus with Iceburg Jones. He had been trying to get me to go there for ages and I finally relented. They are in the process of redoing their patio and covered the entire thing in astro turf. Yes, I would think this would be the last decision a bunch of gay men would make, but who am I to judge. Well, the astro turf covered little tiny steps all over the place. I am sure you can see where this is going. So, I take my first beer out to the patio so that Iceburg Jones can smoke and tripped over the tiny one inch step. I rammed my shoulder into a guy's chair, flung beer all over myself, and completely skinned my knee. By the next day, my shoulder was covered in a giant bruise, my knee looked like someone had put a baseball under my skin, and every inch of my body hurt. Oh, and I was the laughing stock of the entire bar.

In case you guys didn't know, awkward is my special talent. 

Just shut up and watch the damn movie

Have any of you been to www.moviemistakes.com? It is a website that lists every mistake in every movie and television show ever. That may be an exaggeration, but not much of one. I don't even remember what I was reading that made me click on it, but I got lost on the website for a good half hour; looking at pictures of the mistakes and reading lists of the movies and television shows with the most mistakes.

Then it dawned on me. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Nor do I really have a whole lot of respect for people who spend their time finding these mistakes and then submitting them to this website. Nor do I care if my favorite movie in the whole world has some crew member's elbow in a rear-view mirror. Seriously. That was a thing.

I just...why? I get that we are somehow programmed to pick everything apart, to criticize everything, to expect perfection. But, remember old movies? Audrey Hepburn movies happen to be my favorite. They weren't perfect and they were amazing in their simplicity. When I watch a movie, any movie, I am not looking for flaws, I am enjoying a story, watching it unfold, and recognizing it for what it is...entertainment. It is not supposed to be about perfection.

The entries I read most (brace yourselves, this will shock you) were the Harry Potter ones. The mistakes were things like, a mic battery pack was visible. Or the set changed. Or a character was wearing a different shirt when the scene changed. 

It wasn't like there was a major hole in the story line or a character switched actors halfway through. 

I guess what I am saying is why can't we just appreciate things for what they are instead of picking them apart piece by piece until they are nothing but a series of bad things strewn together.

Just enjoy it. And if you can't...well, I feel sorry for you.

Also I have one really sunburned arm and one completely un-sunburned arm. That is unrelated, but quite hilarious. I will be mocked tomorrow.

Neil Catrick goes to the vet...again

Neil was back at the vet for a sedation and more tests last Thursday. Right after Kobi died, he freaked and started peeing everywhere. I talked about the first round of sickness here. 

We thought we were through this, that he just freaked out because of Kobi. It is apparently really common for cats to give themselves urinary problems when under stressful situations. 

So, here we are again. Wednesday night he was peeing blood. On the carpet. Lovely. I took him back Thursday morning and paid a small fortune in vet bills to have them run the same tests as last time, plus all of the things I opted out of for financial reasons. 

On a side note, I know a lot of people have said bad things about Banfield Pet Hospitals and their wellness plans. Thursday alone, my bill would have been almost $1200 if I did not have the wellness plan. With the wellness plan, $332. Yes, you wait for a long time and there is a plethora of pet hair that makes me sneeze the whole time I am there. But, the vets remember my pets and I even got condolences on Kobi , as one vet asked how he was doing. I can't recommend enough doing this for your pets. It makes routine care SO easy and SO affordable. That is, if you have them in your area. I know most of you may not.

Anywho...I got there and he was behaving as usual, hissing and growling at everyone while cuddling up to me. It is the only time he likes me, so I admit, I kind of enjoy it. I am a terrible person. They sedated him and that was that. When the boy picked him up, they found something on the abdominal X-Ray, but it was inconclusive so it had to be sent out.

24 hour later, we discover that he has a bladder stone too large to pass on his own. Little Neil Catrick has to have bladder surgery! I won't even tell you how much it is going to cost. Or what we have to go through during recovery. I will save that for another post, where in I have a nervous breakdown. 

He goes in Thursday morning and will be in surgery for a few hours and picked up Thursday night. I am scared something is going to happen between now and then. I am really scared something is going to happen during surgery. I am terrified that he is going to play with Short Dog and rip out his stitches. Gah! I want to put him in a bubble.

I don't know how people have real kids. As much as I worry about my furry ones, I feel like I would never let them leave the house! 

I will keep everyone posted on the little guy. Hopefully everything goes as planned.