Monday, August 2, 2010

Sometimes, it really is my fucking nightmare.

Our class is divided up into groups every week and each group is given a time to present their entrée. The groups are then divided into cleaning assignments. This is often the most frustrating part of my day because only about half the class actually cleans.

Today, being exhausted, I cleaned out the refrigerators and dry storage for our group, while they assisted with dishes and stoves. As I was doing this, I found myself getting lost in my thoughts and looking around the room. One of the non-cleaners was staring at our assignment list for the day for at least five minutes and I found myself wondering what was going through her head. Does she choose to be lazy? Was she thinking people were fooled by her attempt to look busy while doing absolutely nothing? Did she consciously make a decision to walk over there in lieu of cleaning? Or is her head just full of crickets chirping and bad grammar?

My eyes wandered to another girl, furiously doing dishes. I knew she didn't want to be here, that she wanted to get out of class so she could go home and smoke pot with her roommate. I again found myself wondering what she was thinking and what made her so different from the non-cleaner.

I then watched another girl, a girl I know to be crippled by insecurity, hide at the end of the dish tank like she does everyday, putting away dishes, careful not to draw attention to herself. She never does anything hard or tries to better herself in anyway. I wonder too if she consciously chooses the easy thing to do because she knows she can do it or if she is just too lazy or scared of embarrassing herself to do something else?

I find myself wondering often if other people's inner monologues are similar to my own. The first day of kitchen when we had to clean, I went straight for something I knew how to do. I was terrified of the dish machine, not knowing how it operated. My inner monologue was along the lines of, "not today. Try it another day. Not today." And I did. I watched people to figure it out and then asked when I was more comfortable.

I always think my mind is way different than everyone else's mind. That my thoughts are crazier, critical, darker. When I watch people, I like to imagine what they are thinking. To imagine that they are as crazy as I am.

Today as I watched that first girl, reading the list far longer than necessary I imagined she was thinking that if she squinted her eyes while reading it, people would think that she is concentrating. That she didn't want to do anything, but was sick of people saying that, so she was going to try really hard today to do absolutely nothing without getting yelled at. Step 1: awkwardly stare at list.

The girl furiously doing dishes wanted to go home, but she also wanted the girl she had a crush on to see how hard she worked. That she could do more than fuck around, that she was mature enough. She stole glances, hoping she was watching, but she never was.

The insecure girl, well, I imagined her head full of crickets and Justin Bieber songs.

The whole time I am watching them, Avenge Sevenfold's "Nightmare" was in my head.

"You should have known
the price of evil.
And it hurts to know you belong here.
It's your fucking nightmare."

All of this unconscious, just cleaning along, oblivious to the crazy in my head. Until it all dawned on me and I laughed out loud.

Way to go, subconscious me, way to go.

1 comment:

Bradshaw said...

I have a weird internal monologue. One of these days I'll post a train of thought blog.

Also, the only thought remaining in my head after this is "I'm going to see Avenged Sevenfold in a week and a half."

:)