Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What if? Fuck what if. Just fuck it.

Two posts in one day, I know. Weird. And I am sorry I have been absent, but, dude, life is a tad crazy right now. And by a tad, I mean, HOLY FUCK BALLS. And it is about to get worse. Which is just not the reason for posting this second blog post.

I am scared. My back has been spasming and I have been in a perpetual state of non-bend for a few days. I am scared to bend over or pick anything up or do anything at all other than be scared. It's not bad, comparatively speaking, it is practically nothing. But, this is how it started. Bad days here and there. Until one day I trip over the dog and end up in the hospital.

What if I end up there again?

What if I have to quit school?

What if I really can't do this?

What if it was wishful thinking to hope that one day I could be a chef, knowing the problems I have with my back?

What if I uprooted my life only to fail?

It is very typical of me to give up in times like these. To just say, fuck it. I will fail, I will never make it, fuck it. But, not this time. I don't want to give up and fighting that instinct is getting harder. I put all my eggs in one basket, cryogenically sealed that basket, and then sent it to the moon. There is no going back.

What if one day I wake up and can't walk again? What if one day I end up in the hospital with a doctor telling me surgery is the only option? What if a doctor tells me that I physically can never be a chef?

I hope this passes. I hope with every ounce of my being that I wake up tomorrow and feel better. But, what if?

Fuck what if.

5 comments:

Big Jed said...

What if you work through your back problems and eventually you are okay? What if you graduate at the top of your class in Culinary school? What if you kick ass as a chef and are wildly successful?

What if I really do have to carry your dead rotting body across the stage to get your diploma? Because I will do it. So help me, I will.......

Don't give up. Don't ever give up. You were meant to do this. There is a reason that you gave your old job the heave-ho and started over. You were meant to do this. Breathe.

This inspirational message has been brought to you today by The Big Jed.

Bradshaw said...

Fuck what if. Keep going until you can't anymore. I have faith in you.

KRACKLE said...

You are not allowed to give up. You may hate me, but I am going to do it...I am going to add pressure to you and your current crazy life, because I know, if the situation reversed you would do it to me, and we BOTH know that BOTH of us work better under pressure.

You are my inspiration. I talk about you to my family and friends like you are a God because of what you have done. This is shit you see in the movies - you quit your job, risked EVERYTHING to follow your dreams. You did what ever person I have ever known is too scared to do. You inspire me and not only that, but I live vicariously through you. You can do this and you will do this.

Big Jed said...

The Krackle has spoken.

Erratic said...

I am not quitting. As Big Jed said, she will drag my dead rotting body across the stage if that is what it takes. Sometimes I just panic and think what if...