Finding the real me.

I have this terrible habit of dooming things before they start. Every weekend, I dread Sunday because it means the weekend is almost over. I can pick apart any situation and find the negative. 

I am changing that. When you go through essentially a divorce, move and change jobs in a month, dwelling on the negative ends in a nervous breakdown. A lot went really, really wrong really, really fast. And something in me broke. I lost the ability to doom everything. I hit rock bottom, if you will. There was no where to go but up. I started giving myself pep talks, forcing myself to see the positive in every situation. My apartment is a shit hole and my landlord is a slumlord. But it's mine. And I am safe and on the same block as one of my favorite bars. And I love my neighbors. You get the point. 

Can I tell you what a difference it has made in my life? I don't normally do the preachy, life is wonderful kind of thing, but man is life wonderful. Bad things are still happenning. I have just the same amount of stress I have always had. But instead of stressing out, I force myself to focus on the positive things in my life. Do I slip? Absolutely. But I feel like I am in control of my life for the first time. I am controlling my own happiness. No more letting things happen to me. 

Most importantly, I am making decisions that make me happy. I'm not making decisions to make other people happy. That's not to say I am a sociopath or anything. But I had to stop caring what people thought because, frankly, it hurt too much to see the pity in their eyes. It hurt too much to try to guess what they were saying about me. 

I dyed my hair purple and blue. That sounds crazy, I know. But it was done professionally and it is so bad ass I can't even tell you. I will have man-pants take pictures and post them so you all don't think I have lost my mind.

I am in the process of getting a food sleeve on my left arm. 

And I am doing these things because they make me happy. I have always wanted to dye my hair crazy colors. I love having art on my body. 

I am happy. And I can attribute it all to positive thinking. The queen of sarcasm and pessimism has gone to the dark side. Or perhaps the light side in this case. And it feels damn good.