I am going to need to speak to Simon Cowell's stylist. Immediately.

I discovered today that I am fashion challenged. Or new-fashion challenged. Or maybe just challenged, I can't really be sure here because nobody ever thinks, "Man, I am socially and fashionably incapable." They just assume everyone else is wrong. I have a lot of friends that always look cute in the way that I want to look cute. I see people on TV and am, like, man, that outfit is cute. Or people at, say, the grocery store. OK, not so much the grocery store. I am too busy ogling produce. But, somewhere in public sometime people have looked cute.

See? DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM? I don't even know where to go to see people of the same sex that look cute in clothes that I may want to wear. Now I just sound like a stalker.

Let's regroup.

I am the female Simon Cowell. All I wear is black T-shirts and jeans. If I am feeling mega, super, ultra hot, I'll wear a black tank top. And if it is a super special occasion, like New Year's, I'll wear heels and more than likely take them off halfway through the night.

There was a time when this was not the case. Really. I used to be cute, or my version of cute. I have never been girly. But, I was cute. I understood fashion.

Then I went to culinary school. And got a job that required a uniform. And I go from uniform to uniform. When I do actually venture out, I am tired. And I throw on flip flops or Converse, jeans, and a black T-shirt. This has worked for me. I have had no need to find alternative clothing options. Until...this week. My sister's bachelorette party is this weekend and I need to look cute. Like, real world cute, not black tank top cute. So, I went to Target and Old Navy. This is where I shop for things I will likely only wear once. There is no sense in spending $50 on a shirt that will get worn MAYBE 3 times. And I've lost a lot of weight, so I don't even know what size I wear anymore. And the whole thing was just one big anxiety attack, but I did it anyway because it is what civilized people do. Here is what I learned:

I cannot tell the difference between a shirt and a dress. I stood in Target for 10 minutes debating whether it was a really short skirt or a really long shirt. Granted, I would never wear it either way, but I had to know. Then I was too ashamed to ask and just hoped it was a shirt.

A LOT of people want to know whether you are Team Edward or Team Jacob and prefer you wear a shirt advertising your status.

There are two sizes in everything that is even remotely cute; XS and 3X. I am neither.

Ugly comes in every size.

I do not understand a single thing that is fashionable right now EXCEPT for various versions of black T-shirts and tank tops.

"Bohemian" + my boobs = maternity wear. Or giant tent wear...or something that involves everything sticking out as far as my boobs, which is, well, far.

I'm wearing a black tank top. And flip flops. Fuck it.