Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I am a fixer. I tend to be the person who is "on both sides" and trying not to take sides. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I take sides, but rarely when it isn't appropriate. I prefer that people leave me out of their conflicts and act like adults and resolve them on their own.

I am also an intense person. When I feel something, I don't ever just sort of feel something. If I am mad, I am fucking pissed. If I am sad, I am in bed unable to move or function. If I believe in something, I believe in it with everything that I am. If I don't care, I really just don't give a fuck. I am not the person who says I don't care and then actually cares. If I say that, I mean it. And I will rarely be able to make a decision about two things I care deeply about or two things I do not care about at all.

I care too much, I realize this. I think that there are people out there who are able to shut off their emotions and not care at all. And I think there are people like me, who feel for all of those people who just can't.

My mom stopped by my sister's house and she pretended like nothing happened. She has made no attempt to contact anyone to apologize or make amends in anyway.

I am falling apart, into little tiny over emotional, under medicated pieces.

Maybe I am supposed to feel what she can't. Or maybe I am supposed to learn that sometimes you just have to say fuck it and move on. Even if it is something you care about so much.

That's where my problem is, though, isn't it? Do I choose my mental health, my sanity, my emotional well being? Or do I choose my sister? It's a decision I will never make. I know this about myself. I will lean one way and then another for the rest of my life, living a life where my family revolves around her temper tantrums and emotional turmoil.

I guess it's not always about the decision, but about the realization that you will never make one.


Anonymous said...

Dude, stop beating yourself up or I'll come over and kick your ass - word.

Bradshaw said...

Oh, lady, this is rough. And I know it's tough to not be able to fix things. But you have to take care of YOU. I know that's hard, but you're not doing anyone any favors by continuing to be upset with yourself. You were looking out for your sister's best HEALTH interests, and there is no reason you should be upset for that. Yes, the night might have ended with a poor taste in some people's mouths, but it wasn't your decision to drink an unnecessary amount of liquor and pose a significant risk to yourself. You did the right thing.

Also, random, but which bar did you go to? :)

Erratic said...

Oh, I have no idea. We went to the Flamingo Bowling bar first and it sucked. So, then we went to someplace with two levels...then we went to a bar with a really awesome beer selection which DID NOT appreciate our flashing penis headbands.

I am not the most of observant people when drinking. It was all on Washington, though. If you said the names, I would probably recognize them. We ate at Wasabi! Look at me all remembering shit. :)

Bradshaw said...

Wasabi is probably the BEST sushi in all of STL. Seriously. Good call.