Monday, February 16, 2009

Millions Lost at the Zoo

So....the boy took me to the zoo for their Valentines event. All in all, it was interesting. I learned far more about the mating habits of animals than I thought I would ever know. Including watching two rhino's have sex on video. And there are two things you need to know about rhino's having sex.

1. They aren't very good at it. Let me tell you, there is far more trying than succeeding. Five minutes in, I wanted to ask the zoo keepers why they didn't just intervene. I mean, if a 16 year old guy was struggling this much and lacked opposable thumbs, he would be grateful for a buddy guiding things along, if you catch my drift.

2. Rhino's are hung like...well...rhinos. Seriously. It sort of resembles a very long, not so erect sausage. I mean, picture straightening some kielbasa. And that is the poor bastard all the other rhinos make fun of for being small. I am no longer going to say hung like a horse. I will now say, hung like a rhino. But less floppy.

There was a lot of good too. We got to see a lot of behind the scenes stuff at the zoo. We had a pretty good meal, talked to some interesting people, and won an award shaped like the penis bone found in most mammals. You know, over all, a very run of the mill night. As the animal portion of events was winding down, we got to have some one on one interaction with the animals. And no, you dirty minded readers, that does not mean what you think. We got to pet a baby kangaroo and see some baby leopard's up close. More importantly, a Civet climbed on my back. It hurt, I am not going to lie. But, the thing was cute as shit. And I wanted one. Because, frankly, who wouldn't?

So, after the Civet climbs on me, I ask the boy the name of the animal. He doesn't remember. I don't remember. Panic ensues. HOW WILL I CAPTION THE PICTURES? Thank you Google! Only Google betrayed me...Google told me things I did not want to know. Like the fact that Civets are responsible for Kopi Luwak, the most expensive coffee EVER. And you know how they make it? They eat it, and then they shit it. They literally shit the best coffee in the world. Astounded, party of one.

So, naturally, I think what would happen if I stole a Civet? Nobody at the zoo was paying attention. I could have discreetly put said Civet in my purse and sauntered out innocently. I could have made millions. But, no, they never tell you at the zoo that the animal crawling on your back is shitting money.

And the boy was worried I would steal a baby animal and get us both arrested. I bet he wouldn't have complained when our coffee-eating buddy literally shit out millions. I have entrepreneur written all over me.

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