#LoveWins

Lately, I have really just hated the world. School shootings, church shootings, people treating each other like total shit. It has just felt like I live in this little bubble where I am surrounded by like minded people and then the bubble burst and I realized the world was utter shit.

Then yesterday happened. I was at work and my phone was BLOWING THE FUCK UP in my pocket. I snuck into the office to make sure someone hadn't died and I saw it. 

Gay marriage is legal in all fifty states. The supreme court did the exact opposite of what I expected. I honestly forgot it was even a thing until I saw my phone because I was just so sure it wouldn't pass.

I silently squeeled, put my phone away and then went about my day. 

Cut to 8 hours later and I am home sitting on the couch reading facebook. I honestly sighed before I opened facebook because I was prepared for all of the backlash. I expected hate and anger and a lot of me hitting "unfriend," because I simply don't have time for hate, I don't care who you are.

And here is what I saw...

"When I came out at 16, the only thing my mom worried about was me not being able to have a "normal" life. Mom, I wish you were here to see this. History. Happiness. Equality"

"I waited with a group of people at (insert local gay bar) for the decision from the supreme court. When we saw the news, everyone hugged and kissed and I have never felt so happy or so free in my entire life. I will never forget what that felt like."

"Pride should have been this weekend instead of last because today we can actually be proud of our country."

"Guys! There has been a rainbow in the sky for an hour in North Carolina. The heavens approve of marriage equality day"

The hash tag #LoveWins was all over facebook. Nobody was saying anything negative, my feed was full of pure joy and happiness. 

The white house was lit up by rainbow lights. 

I have been crying for two days. Pure tears of joy. 

I know there is a lot of bad out there, but fucking shit we needed this good. 

To kid or not to kid....

I have been meaning to talk about this for a while.....

Ugh.

A lot of the people that I follow have had problems conceiving children. If you have been reading long enough, you will understand why. If you haven't, well...read back through my archives or click on people who comment. I am feeling slightly lazy.

Other than protecting myself using condoms with new partners, I have not taken any kind of birth control in almost 6 years. I have taken zero protection in my last two relationships against pregnancy. The day I broke up with the boy, he thought I was telling him I was pregnant...

I read so many infertility blogs I don't really know how to talk about this. Because the thing is...I don't know if I want kids. I really, really don't know. So I sort of let the universe decide...and the universe has sort of said, um, no. Which I am ok with. On most levels, I am ok with. I don't want to go through fertility treatments or take any extreme measures to have a child. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, I am just so undecided it feels silly to even pursue something like that. 

I look at pictures of my friends and their kids and I just smile. I want THAT. I want the picture perfect moments, but I am just not sure I am willing to make the sacrifices that come along with being a parent. 

Do not get me wrong....if I got pregnant, that child would be my universe and everything would change.

I guess this is just about that choice. About trying. About actively trying to get pregnant versus just having sex for the mere pleasure of it. 

My mother is one of four, and she is the only one who had children. My aunts seem so....lost. They have these crazy hobbies and are constantly trying to find something to do. Needless to say, the women in my family aren't super maternal. I come from a long line of childless women. Maybe they struggled to have kids when they really wanted them? I don't know. It is certainly not something they would ever talk to me about. Another legacy of my mother's side of the family. 

Man-pants doesn't want children. I know he would be on the same page as me if it happened....he would love that kid to death. But he certainly isn't hearing any kind of clock.

Nor am I for that matter. I just think about it often and wonder if I am making a mistake. On the flip side of that....it appears to be a mistake I wouldn't be able to fix anyway. 

Is it weird to just throw caution to the wind and let the universe decide your future? 

Things that have happened this week

1. I am officially done with training! 8 weeks is a long time. My first solo close is on Thursday, I finally have full access to everything and I am beyond stoked. I am done being babysat and ready to just do my own thing.
2. One of my fellow sous chefs got arrested yesterday for domestic violence and assault. He can't afford bail. As selfish as this is, he basically paved the way for me to not have to relocate. There were talks of an hour commute or actually moving me to a new city. I am beyond stoked that he got arrested and I get to stay here. Also....what a piece of shit. He beat the shit out of his ex. I don't know the details of it, but based on the bail and charges, he put her in the hospital along with hurting one of his kids. Good riddance. I hope they fire him.
3. I learned that there was a location that the exec and sous chefs were cooking meth out of the tilt skillet! This cracks me up. It was in a mall! With security cameras. Idiots.
4. We got a kitten. Her name is Dr. Harlene Francis Quinzel. I call her Harley. Obviously man-pants named her. And if you don't get the reference, it is The Joker's psychiatrist turned girlfriend in the comic books. Naming her after an evil genius was very apt. She is a spitfire, but so sweet. THE PETS OUTNUMBER US. There may be a mutiny.
5. I finally found tattoo sleeves that I can almost stand. They are golf sleeves so that you can golf all day and not get sunburned. They are meant to breathe and I honestly forget they are there. Until I take them off and then it's just sweet relief where my arms can finally breathe again. 
6. I am the fucking shit on expo. I seriously feel like such a bad ass standing there just controlling the kitchen. I'm a good manager, for sure. But this job takes it to a whole new level. After tonight, the guys all said I did a great job and it felt great. I can do this. My insecurities need to shut the fuck up.
7. My mom bought plane tickets to come see me over July 4th weekend. I am so excited to see her, but terrified she is going to freak out about where I live. I am a city girl through and through now. I will never leave my 'hood. And THANK GOD they fixed up the building across the street so it is no longer boarded up. I just worry she is going to be uncomfortable staying here. And worried that she is going to worry about me. How do you explain to people that you WANT to live in the neighborhood with gun shots. OH! And the big firework celebration is the day she comes in, so let's just hope she can't tell the difference between fireworks and gunshots....there is going to be a lot of both.
8. My good friend and hairdresser came over to meet Harley. Most of my friends follow the "I'm too lazy to shut the bathroom door" policy. (It's down a hallway that it would be super weird for someone to randomly walk down.) Well, wily little Harley decided to run into the bathroom full speed ahead and JUMP IN THE TOILET. WHERE MY FRIEND PROCEEDED TO PEE ON HER. First bath left me with some battle wounds. WHAT CAT THIS?
9. A good friend of mine and neighbor had his cat jump in the toilet after he took a shit. So, I guess a lot of cats? But, seriously. Cats....do better.
10. I blogged! I totally don't have a working laptop anymore and work stupid weird hours. And a lot of my downtime is spent with man-pants because he also works super weird hours. And as much as I love you guys, quality time with him will kind of always trump blogging.