I need help

My career has been turned upside down and I don't know what to do.

Today, I got to the restaurant to open and the air conditioner was out. I called the owner and let him know, thinking nothing of it, it's an old building. The repair guy was on his way moments after we hung up. Then the walk-in went out. Then the hoods went out. We were forced to close for the day to fix an electrical short that killed the motors on the air conditioner and the hoods. Thankfully not the walk in. My day was spent trying to rescue food by shuffling it from cooler to cooler, putting everything on ice.

Dread filled me. We are in the process of moving the restaurant to a building across the street. We are currently renting from someone who wants the space to expand the bar next door. It is a difficult situation I cannot talk about here, but it is possible we will be evicted before the space across the street is renovated.

Money is tight. And today cost close to $10,000. I am afraid I will not have a job in a month. This job is my dream job. I love it. I am loyal to the people, the owner, our guests. I do not want to leave my current job. 

But, working for a small business has it's drawbacks and the place is open in spite of the owner's ridiculousness. As much as I love that man, he will be the downfall and I am afraid that the writing is already on the wall.

After being screamed at for no reason, I expressed my anger to one of the servers. She went on and on about how I am too good for this place and she was going to find me a job. 

She did. Hours later, she posted said job on Facebook and then commenced having a probably not appropriate conversation about leaving on my wall. Whatever. This is what is great about restaurants. I would never get fired for having that conversation.

Moments ago, I got a text from her telling me that she described me to the chef and she wants me. In fact, needs me. I would start back at line cook, but kitchen manager would be in my near future. Better pay, benefits, job security. 

At a corporate fucking restaurant. Granted...a good one. A very high end one. Price point in the $30 range. It would be good experience. It would be very good for my career. But, how I loathe corporations. Anything corporations.

I texted the general manager of my current restaurant and he said not to worry, everything would be fine. And I trust him, very much. But, I am scared. Really, really scared.

And, honestly, I just don't know what to do. Do I leave for stability or stay for passion? Because I sure as fuck won't  be coming up with daily features and changing the menu if I take this job. I will probably be manning a fucking fryer and dropping fries for 10 - 12 hours a day. Working nights. 

But, I would know I had a job. And I would learn from a very high end steakhouse. Learn things I desperately need to know. Because there is no chef at my current job to teach me. 

Ugh. I might have to make Bearnaise. I loathe Bearnaise.

What do I do? I know that none of you can tell me, but I just need advice. Like I have never needed advice before. 

I could be executive chef in a year at my current job. A job I am not sure I am ready for. Or I can take corporate job and get ready. And never have any hope of being creative. Of creating food. 

Ugh. Fuck being a grownup. 

Homeless

Years ago, I would go with my dad to the homeless shelter and serve them food. It was a Christmas tradition that bled into other months as the need presented itself. I haven't been in so long, I don't even remember where it is located. 

I changed that today. Last Friday, I did an event for my parents church to benefit an orphanage in Africa. One of the people they sent to help me cook leads the group that prepares and serves the meals at the shelter. So, of course five minutes into helping, I was roped into heading to the woman's shelter today, something I have only done once. I almost strictly went to the men's shelter.

It always staggers me how normal these women look. I am not saying that to be insensitive, it is not as if homeless women should have a look to them. It's just with men, it's more obvious. With women, they seem to take better care of themselves and are cleaner. 

There were several pregnant women, which broke my heart. It was clear a few of them were not quite there mentally. It was also clear that they were a family, something else that is vastly different between the men and women's shelters. 

I always feel sort of uncomfortable doing these. The women that I go with live in the wealthiest part of Columbus. That is not to say that they aren't good people, they are. But, there is clear disdain when dealing with some of the women. And they gossip about what they are wearing and what they were doing as soon as we leave.

Financially speaking, I am much closer to these homeless women than I am to the millionaires I am going with. I have experienced times when I had no money and no job and have been lucky that there are people in my life that were willing to help. If there hadn't been, there are at least a dozen times I could have ended up where these women are. And it humbles me. It makes my couch a little more comfortable, my TV ostentatious. Yes, I work hard. The boy and I both do. But, we are fortunate as well.

I committed to helping out whenever they needed me because sometimes I think we need reminders that our problems aren't always as big as we think they are. 100 degree kitchens are nothing when I get to come home to my air conditioned house. 

But, I sure as hell am typing this from my couch, drinking a glass of wine, and watching my ostentatious TV.

I will still totally sound like a man.

I can't get "Shoop" out of my head. This has been happening all day. I am just minding my own business, cooking some food and all of a sudden "Shoop Shoobadoobie, like Scooby Dooby" pops out of my mouth and I startle myself when I slap my hand over my mouth, not wanting my male coworkers to hear. But they hear. And they laugh. And there may be pointing. And my face would have turned red if it wasn't THE TEMPERATURE OF HELL in the restaurant and my face could alas not be redder.

This happened several times. Until suddenly, I found myself surrounded by the servers who all know the song, singing it from start to finish and then laughing so hard it hurt. My job is awesome. Except for the fact that I work in hell. That sort of sucks. We actually wrote Hell in giant letters on the wall, so that when you walk into the prep room, you are actually walking into Hell. 

I watch a lot of food TV. For multiple reasons. One of them is that I am very green in the industry and I just want to absorb information so as to not look like an arse. However, I HATE people that are a part of food TV. It's like in order to be on television competing, you have to be a the kind of person that makes me want to remove my brain and stomp on it repeatedly. So, I watch food and wince and every word that comes out of every single competitors mouth. I am only sharing this with you now because I am watching Master Chef as I type this and the woman expediting has NO IDEA how to expedite and is instead just yelling at everyone, which is just making the situation worse and I found myself screaming at the TV "Just tell them how many eggs they need all day!" And now I have just confused the majority of you with kitchen talk. And that story wasn't even that cool.

I really shouldn't publish this but I am rambly and high strung this evening, so this is what you get. I believe some bloggers call it thought vomit Thursday? I can't remember the day. Let's just call this Crazy Rambling Monday, mkay?

THERE ARE ONLY LIKE TWO BOXES LEFT. This is huge. I am so happy I could squeal.

Yesterday I did the local Haus and Garden tour and it was AMAZING. There is something about walking into somebody else's house, shamelessly oggling their belongings, and criticizing their decor (note: poodle is not a decor choice. It is ugly.) It was awesome. These houses are selling for $550k to a million dollars, so it was especially delightful to see that sometimes money does not equal taste. 

The BEST part of the day was Pocket Pen and Cupcake asking me to do the dessert for their wedding. Now. I realize that all of you are going BUT YOU HATE BAKING and upon seeing my face, Pocket Pen immediately blurted out "not a wedding cake" and my heart calmed and I managed to not shit myself. They want individual plated desserts and that is definitely something I can handle. I am incredibly honored to be doing this for them on their wedding day! I am also terrified, but that is nothing new!

So, the whole reason that I even wrote this post is the video walk through is happening now! Finally! 

Just a few things I want to point out. My allergies were SO BAD. I don't normally sound like a coke addict after a weekend binge. Sorry about all the sniffling. I couldn't exactly stop and  blow my nose through the whole tour. Also, I hate my voice. That is exactly what it always sounds like and I sound like a man and I hate my voice. But, who doesn't, right? Yeah, that is probably just me too.

When in the backyard, I refer to a weed that is actually grapevines. I am not so good at this plant thing yet. But, I am learning! Promise.

Without further ado...new house. I will do another video tour once we are completely unpacked. Then probably another one once we start to paint. And I will try to sound like less of a man and not sniffle every 2 seconds.

Annoying post about not posting. Ugh.

I feel like this one time there was this girl who had a blog about how crazy she was and then she stopped writing on it because her life got EVEN CRAZIER and then nobody loved her. That last part may be a tad dramatic. 

I'm sorry. I know what it's like to have a blog you read all the time just stop posting. You wait for the dreaded, this is the end post. THIS IS NOT THE END. I REPEAT. NOT THE END.

I am just busy. Summer is always like that for me. All winter, I sit around with my finger up my ass and then boom, summer. I am never home. I am always at work. When I am at home, all I want to do is sit in my new living room and read. I don't know why this is. 

Oh, wait, yes I do. BECAUSE WORK IS 9 BAZILLION DEGREES AND MY LIVING ROOM HAS A CEILING FAN AND AIR CONDITIONER.

I have lost 4 lbs in a week. It is my summer diet plan. I call it, sweat your ass off. Literally! 

I have no ass. More like sweat your fat roll off. Literally!

Or maybe sweat off a boob.

This post is getting out of control. The moral of the story is that I am back.  And as soon as I can get the boy to be home at the same time that I am, he will show me how to upload that video to my blog and you can all see the new house. And I will post more. Because hilarious things are still happening all around me. Mostly to me. But, sometimes just around me.

Like, today, one of my coworkers honked at another one of my coworkers and it scared her so bad that she fell off a step. Onto the ground. And this may not sound that funny, but we were all laughing so hard it hurt. Including the coworker that fell. Because who just falls off a step at the sound of a car horn? I am cracking up typing this.

And I saw a girl walk into a gay bar wearing a shirt that said "I swallow."

And I super promise that this will be the last post about me not posting. Because, that is just annoying. 

And my grandmother is coming in town in a week, so I will have TONS of stories when that happens. 

I left Big Jed a voicemail that was just screaming...here is why.

This is probably going to be a little scatter brained because 1. I have been drinking whiskey and 2. My brain feels like someone hit it with a sledgehammer and then poured some kind of acid on it. The kind that makes it hurt to think.

So, work. Work has been a disaster. I started my new supervisor position within days of starting the events coordinator position. With nothing more than "oh, this is your job now, good luck." I have managed teams of office professionals before, but for some reason this is different. I am overwhelmed. When I am truly overwhelmed I freeze. Deer in a headlights freeze. If I am on the line, my adrenaline usually kicks in before this happens, but sometimes it doesn't. And when I am also moving at the same time all of this is happening, fish out of water is an understatement. I have never coordinated events for a restaurant before. Or done anything remotely like it. There is no current system in place and I am coming up with it on my own. Poorly. I admit it. I don't have the mental capacity to organize all of these things and do all of them well. I am frozen. I come home and I can't even contemplate unpacking. I just can't.

This all came to a head today when I found myself, in the basement of our restaurant, in a screaming match with the owner. Because he made one more crack about how I am failing at communication and I just fucking snapped. I managed not to cry (rage cry, not sad cry) but I told him exactly what I felt about him putting me in this position and just fucking bailing on me. I was livid. I was disappointed in myself. I was embarrassed. I was so many things and I think I just needed to yell at someone. And being the queen of excellent decisions, I chose the person who writes my paychecks. 

It was the best choice I could have made. I feel SO MUCH better. To just tell someone what was really going on. That I felt worthless in every aspect of my life and this is just not like me. I am that person who runs circles around everyone else at work. Not because I want to be better or think I am better than them, but because this is how I was raised. You do the best you can, always. Being bad at my job has never been an option. I was a manager when I was 17 of a teacher supply store. I am that person who actually likes customer service and isn't kissing their boss's ass, I just like being good at what I do. 

I want my house to be organized, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I just can't. It doesn't help that I have worked 32 hours in three days. Which, speaking of, if anyone happens to know of a dishwasher that will actually show up for $10 an hour, I will completely make out with you. 2nd base and shit. Because, I am sick of working late because we can't find someone to fucking wash dishes. This is stupid. Also, I just assumed that you all wanted to make out with me which was very arrogant and I am fine with it. Oh, whiskey.

New House Observations:

• Living on cobblestone streets in houses that are over 100 years old has some downfalls...the one I notice most, in June, is that it smells like a fart. Old sewer systems suck.
• Another downfall, the boys car has already been broken into. Shit happens, for sure. And we will keep nothing in our cars. But, I hate that sense of insecurity. I spent far too much time in the suburbs.
• I walked to work today for the first time. It was the highlight of my day. However, I am definitely happy that tomorrow kickball starts at 6:00 pm so I have to drive. It is going to take some getting used to. Is it weird that I used to run 3 miles a day and walking 2 is exhausting? I think so. And I say used to, because that shit hasn't happened in a month. Moving is stressful.
• We are very close to a Children's Hospital and the amount of medical helicopters I see makes me sad.
• The amount of helicopters with spotlights is also sad. Oh, city living.
•  So far, I love the neighbors. I love everything about this house. I can't even put words to how happy I am to be here.
• The apartment complex next to our house is slowly becoming blog worthy material. While listening to a spousal disagreement, and audibly laughing at it, the woman said, "Do you hear that? Some bitch is laughing at you. That is how ridiculous you are." After that I pretty much lost my shit and wanted to become their best friends ever. 
• When it is 80 degrees outside, it is like 68 in our house. This defies logic. And I love it. The skylight in the upstairs bathroom heats the toilet seat to pain from 3 - 5 daily, though.
• The house tour is being uploaded to You Tube tomorrow so that I can share it with you all. I'm sorry. I required some editing from the boy that I didn't know how to do and he has been busy trying to tame nature. Nature is out of control in this bitch.
• The animals are so happy I can't even tell you. Short Dog plays ball every night after dinner. Neil moves from window to window stalking birds and plotting THEIR deaths for a change. And I haven't adopted a single stray cat. Yet.

I promise not to be so absent. 

Funk

I am paralyzed. I don't know why. I woke up this morning with a feeling...a feeling I can't explain. Sometimes this happens. I just can't function. I just don't know how to be.

I had to go into work for an event today and as soon as I got there, I was sent home. There was no reason for me to be there, I guess. This event that I had planned was going to be carried on without me. 

Only to have multiple things go wrong all afternoon, spiraling me further into this funk. There were several angry phone calls that made me feel like a total failure. Even though the guest was happy, as far as I can tell.

I couldn't leave the couch. There is so much to do. So much. And I read 2 1/2 books today, just sitting on the couch. I was invited to super secret supper club and I couldn't gather the energy it took to go. 

I feel raw and I don't know why. I am barely eating, which is just preposterous. I love food. I am drinking too much because it makes me think less. And I can sleep.

I can almost always figure out why I feel like this. The bouts of depression have always had a source. 

I just want to curl in a ball and sleep forever. And I don't know why. All I want is to be excited about everything and I'm not. Well, I am. Deep down I am ecstatic. But, there is that something else, that stupid sadness that just happens sometimes and it won't go away.

I have a video walk through recorded. And multiple posts partially written. I am OK. And I am happy in this new house. 

There is just something else and I have to ride it out before I can start with the gushing posts. I just don't feel gushy. Or talkative at all. I am withdrawing from everyone and I don't really know why. I just know it is what I need for a little while. Hopefully that little while is almost over.

I am alive

Internet is sketchy at best. I can't get a connection long enough to both write AND post about the house. Moving was easy, unpacking sucks, and my phone is my only source to the real world. I am so going over my data plan.

I did a video walk through but have to do some editing because of mirrors. I hope to be back soon, pending our stupid Internet connection being less stupid.

In the meantime, below is a picture of our 101 year old fireplace. That matches an oil painting left to me when I was a child. Everything just screams this house was meant to be. NOTHING has ever matched this painting. Nothing.