Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Everything important in my life has felt right, from the start. I saw both of my dogs and knew they were mine. I saw my condo and put in an offer the next day. I met the boy and gave him my number, without being asked, for the first time in my life. Every single person who is important to me I have become very close to, very fast. People rarely go from acquaintances to good friends in my life and remain that way. In almost all of those cases, I have had a bad feeling about the person and overlooked it. I trust my instincts, they are rarely wrong. I don't have an explanation as to why I can do this - why I have these feelings about the path my life needs to go down, but I do. I always have.

There is one exception. My career. I stumbled into my current job after being fired and out of work for 3 months. I was a pot-smoking 20 year old with no ambition and no desire for a career. My roommate (Krackle) already had a job there and recommended me. I have remained at that company since then. I have worked my way through 5 different positions and have created a career for myself. But I don't want it. It doesn't feel right, it never has. I don't fit there. I am reasonably good at my job. I give it 110%, just like everyone says you should. I come home angry, exhausted, and bitter every single day. I fight back tears my whole way home because I am so frustrated. It doesn't feel right.

That would be OK if something else did. If there was something else calling to me, if I knew what it was I was supposed to be doing with my life. But, I don't. I am so jealous of people who say they love their jobs. Or even like. I am even jealous of people who dislike their jobs, but still believe their souls to be their own.

I used to talk about it all the time, to complain to anyone who would listen. I can't even find the words anymore. I know the boy doesn't really have any idea how bad it is. I know that few people do.

I spend my days now thinking of how I am going to reinvent myself. What I can do that feels right, what career I am meant to do? What do I love to do today, that I could do everyday for the rest of my life? I do not have a college degree. I have tried, I really have. It just never feels right, it never holds my attention or interest. I start and I am so excited because, maybe this is it! Maybe this is finally the time that I get that feeling I have been looking for since I was 17. I never have. I inevitably lose interest, get bored, the classes don't challenge me, I guess the typical excuses you get from the typical college dropout.

I don't know how typical I am, but I know that I love to learn when I am learning something I care about. I know that I am terrified of being wrong too. I don't want to spend 4 years getting a degree to be where I am now. I know that I am lost.

Late twenties crisis? Does that happen? Or just a new beginning that has been a long time coming? No matter what it is, it feels like change is coming. It feels like it is time. It has felt like this before, so let's hope this time I find what I am supposed to.

P.S. I didn't say fuck once in this whole post. See how grown up I can be? There may be hope for me after all.


Krackle said...

For the record, I feel the EXACT same way about college or knowing what I want to be when I grow up. However, I did find a job I like. I don't LOVE it, but I like it and there is potential for me to move to places I could love. But that piece of paper haunts me. I feel like there will always be a door slammed in my face because I don't have it, but I have no desire to go get it. I feel guilty that I don't have a degree, but I really shouldn't. Ugh.

Erratic said...

I also think people assume I am lazy or stupid. Or that they think less of me because I don't have one.

Brutalism said...

a) not everyone follows the same path
b) you are a tremendous writer and will hopefully be able to convey that into a full time paid job at some point
c) I do believe that everyone goes through that at around your age (I definitely did)
d) I know a ton of people with advanced degrees (this is DC...it is practically a requirement) that are total idiots. Two of the smartest people I've ever known (my dad and a former boss who moved to this country not knowing anyone and began a highly successful advertising agency) never went to college.

Brutalism said...

apparently e) is to be left to your imagination. (that's what I get for posting while drinking my big girl glass of wine

Brooke said...

Umm. Mine did more to put me underneath mounds of debt than it advanced my career/salary in any way.

So, who's the smart one? Me with the $50k in loan debt, making very little money doing something that is barely even close to what my degree covered, or you without a degree, doing the exact same thing as me, making a lot more money?

Hmmmmmmmm. You know how I feel about my degree. The only thing I got out of college was a husband.