Edge

I am on the edge. Something is changing, not right. I want nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs, to cry, to break something. To let this frustration flow out of me, to just let it all go. To know what is coming, what to expect. To plan. To control.

I come home and make dinner, writing this in my mind. Finding the words to tell everyone this impatience inside of me. This turmoil. To make someone understand. I feel that edge ebbing at the surface and I stop to take a breath. Two. Three.

The future is so uncertain right now, my path invisible. I have to take a step, I have to fight this edge. I have to do this.

Fuck.

I see the school call, day after day. I see it on the caller id, my cell phone. I let it ring...not wanting to know my options. Not wanting to hear the decision I have to make. And that edge creeps in again, making me unsteady and clumsy. Anxious. Nauseated.

My mind is cloudy and I forget day to day things. I am always distracted. Angry at myself for waiting this long. Angry at everyone else for knowing. Grateful to those who don't. Knowing that I can fix this, this edge, this loss of control that is tearing me apart.

Fuck.

I have to do something.