Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Confidence. And doubt. Mostly Confidence. Maybe.

The cockroaches are officially gone. 

The menu is fixed. 

The staff is going to be trained on the new menu in a week.

Construction on the new restaurant has started. 

A friend is coming down to train the servers on how to actually be a server and not be an ass hat.

And I am still not OK with it all. And I think I know why.

The other night, I met my minion out for drinks and to catch up on restaurant gossip. He was promoted to my old position at former job. We now, technically, hold the same title. 

When he started, I had to show him how to cut an onion. I had to show him basic culinary skills. I trained him and mentored him and dubbed him my minion and for all intents and purposes, he has a better job than me. 

I am opening a restaurant in a shit town that I don't fucking care about. Not the restaurant. The town. I am working for someone I have ZERO respect for. 

So, we are sitting and having drinks and a chef from another local restaurant walks up and starts talking to us. The bartender proclaims that he has TWO chefs in the bar. Minion barely corrected him to say we had three. They had their entire conversation with their backs to me and I just gave up and watched March Madness until they were done talking. 

Nobody respected me as a chef. As a colleague. Including someone who I brought up in the industry. Nobody respects what I am doing. Everyone thinks I made a mistake. 

I think I made a mistake.

People come up to me and ask if I think I killed my career. People say some really, really shitty things to me about my career move. 

And I let it get to me. Because I am nothing if nobody wants to eat my food. 

It hurts my feelings to see somebody that I mentored, that I spent a lot of time working with and training and helping now looks down their nose at me. It hurts my feelings that I am no longer someone a local chef wants to shoot the shit with. It really hurts my feelings that neither of them respected me enough to even include me in the conversation. 

I took a HUGE risk when I chose to leave a restaurant that is rated in the top 10 in the city. I turned down the executive chef positions more times than I can count because my instincts told me it wasn't what I was meant to do.

That is really what this is about. My instincts.

My instincts told me to go to culinary school. To leave a lucrative job to make $10/ hr. 

My instincts told me to give the boy my number all those years ago, when I knew he would never ask for it.

My instincts told me to take my last job when I had interviewed for so many and turned them all down.

My instincts told me this house was where I was meant to live.

My instincts told me to quit that job and start working a half an hour away in a small town. 

I have enough contacts to get this at least a little bit on the map. I have the talent to make the food to make people keep coming back. The money is there. There is no reason for this not to be awesome.

In 3 years, I want to look back on all of this doubt and insecurity and disrespect and fucking laugh in the face of the people who think I am irrelevant now. 

I don't know if it will happen. And I know that it will all continue to get to me until it does or doesn't. 

I know I can do this. I do. I just really hope my instincts are right on this one.

And I really wish that everyone around me would have faith in me too. Despite my moments of weakness when I have none. I just really want someone else to be as excited as I am for the possibilities this restaurant could bring.


J o s e y said...

Can I go all cliche on you and say with great risk comes great reward? You're going to kick ass with this restaurant of yours!!

Juls said...

When we make choices based on LOVE, not fear, it is always right. No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. :-) And P.S. despite the fact that there are a lot of good men in the world, there are also a lot of men who just can't quite wrap their head around the fact that a woman in the business world is worthy of respect when she is good at what she does. When push comes to shove, they don't matter. They are irrelevant. :-) Besides being incredibly annoying. I have great faith in you. And I don't even know you. lol. It must be that Mostly Confidence. Maybe. You rock.

monique said...

Trust those instincts of yours. If you can find some patience lying around, grab that too. And ignore the ignorant ones.