Loss

Today has been rough. I woke up this morning to a text from Big Jed telling me to check the Caring Bridge blog for my friend's daughter. They woke up this morning to her being unresponsive with seizure like activity. There is a DNR in place and I believe it is a matter of days. 

I never expected to watch people I love experience so much loss. I never expected to have to hug two friends and tell them I am so sorry they lost their children. 

I am not handling this well. Which feels so selfish. I want to be strong and doing things and fixing things and not sitting on my couch crying my eyes out texting Big Jed and feeling terrible because I know that this is probably hitting her harder than it is me. 

I feel shallow and stupid and selfish. I feel like I don't have a right to feel the way that I do because I have absolutely no idea what it is like to go through this. 

I spent all day paralyzed. I just sat on the couch and stared at the TV. I don't think I even realized what was wrong until I got up to get ready. I am grateful I had the day off work. 

Today is also the boys birthday. We attempted to go out to dinner and to a hockey game, but couldn't get in anywhere. So, we ended up eating at the arena to the tune of $40 (!!!) We are beyond broke right now and really could not afford it, especially since I threw most of mine out. It was disgusting. The boy didn't feel well and thinks he is coming down with something, so we left after the second period. 

I feel terrible that his birthday was such a bummer, but I just didn't have it in me today to go above and beyond to fix it. I am just so sad.

I am sitting here sobbing as the updates keep rolling in. I want nothing more than for her to be at peace, but I cannot bring myself to wish the end of a beautiful, strong, eight year old little girl. 

Nobody should have to face the loss of their children. Nobody should have to experience that kind of pain.