I need a carpenter and two chickens

I have been failing at blogging lately. And this blog post is kind of two not really blog posts. Continue the failing.

So, I think there is a hurricane or something going on? I might have heard a rumor. Oh, wait, that's right EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON FACEBOOK WISHES EVERYONE IS DOING WELL. So, now it is politics and the hurricane. I get really annoyed at Facebook trends.

In all seriousness though, everybody be safe. And don't drive on flooded streets! I am saying this because I once got caught in a flash flood. I was driving down a pretty major street and went from raining pretty hard to having the water level halfway up my window. I was driving an Acura Integra, so it was admittedly a car that is really low to the ground. But it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I had NO idea what to do, so I just sat there and called my dad. Who told me not to start the car and to wait for the water level to go down. Um. OK. Then my HEROES came running out of the Wendy's and pushed my car into the Wendy's parking lot. I have never been that wet in my life. Seriously. It was like I dove into a pool fully clothed. 

I profusely thanked the gentlemen and bought their lunch. Then I went into the bathroom and cried until the tow truck arrived. 

Worst. Day. Ever. So, don't drive down flooded streets. I had never seen a flash flood before, it is literally seconds. So scary.

Now for the second, totally unrelated part of this post. WE ARE GETTING CHICKENS. Our goal when moving down here was to have an urban homestead. Gardens, chickens, sustainability. And while I being the patient person that I am wanted everything to happen RIGHT THIS SECOND, it has been slow going. But, the gardens go in around March/April. The chickens hopefully late spring early summer. We are already composting and recycling. 

Next up: canning and preserving food for the winter. And finding someone to build a chicken coup. Because they want a grand for those fuckers! Ridiculous. It's a chicken house. 

Go eat poutine. Now.

1. Have you ever had poutine? Go have some. Right now. I made it in culinary school and it was delicious. A local restaurant added short ribs to the mix and made it even more delicious. You aren't supposed to use the word delicious to describe food. And I don't care.
2. I had dinner tonight with Krackle, who I haven't seen since 'Nam. It was so good to see her and to catch up. 
3. Did any of you hear the drama about Scott Torgerson? None of you know this, but I am constantly surrounded by sports radio. The guys at work listen to it all day and the boy listens to it in his car. So, I know a lot more about the goings on of athletes than the average person. The Torg made a shitty comment on twitter about Desmond Howard and got fired for it. Even though he spent all of his time on the radio making shitty comments. I never in a million years expected to care this much that this dude got fired. I need to stop being such a boy. Somebody grab some lipstick and hairspray and meet me at my house. That is what girls do, right?
4. I think someone stabbed me in the foot when I wasn't looking. Or the feet. And my hips and my knees hurt. You guys, 31 is a lot harder than 30. I am getting old. Today, I found myself grabbing my hip like a little old woman. Then I pulled out my teeth and put them in water after I finished dinner. Please tell me I am not the only one who had a grandma that did this. Also, I didn't actually do this.
5. I am addicted to Tapped Out, a Simpsons iPhone game. It is hilarious. You make the characters do things and get money and experience rewards. For example, Krusty right now is inflating his own importance and walking around holding an exclamation point over his head. And Millhouse is flying a model plane perfectly level. Flanders is power walking and Homer is running from a talking Krusty doll. I don't know why this all cracks me up so much, but it does. And I may need an intervention.
6. I took a day off work to watch The Walking Dead and get caught up. Is anyone else watching this show? I can't get through the first episode, but everyone tells me the first episode is super boring. So, Pocket Pen and I took a day off work and are having a marathon. This is all totally normal.
7. The political shit that is going on right now is scaring me. This. Rape is a terrible act. To say that a woman has to carry the result of that rape for 9 months is not OK. Some people definitely choose that route. Some people choose to abort the baby. The point here is choice. I am genuinely scared of what happens to my rights as a woman if Romney wins. Genuinely scared. I can't even imagine being gay or lesbian and the fear they feel right now. A political race should not be run on social issues...but if those social issues take basic rights away from our citizens, absolutely vote on social issues. If my father was running for president and saying the things that the republicans are saying right now, I would not vote for him. I am absolutely terrified. And I really respect my father.
8. A spider just crawled on my foot. I did not have a nervous breakdown. 
9. Just said on Modern Family; "I just took it out on Harry Potter. I mean a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his broom? How Hufflepuff is that?" DYING. The boy's response; "I have no idea what any of that means." I love that show.
10. I spent a lot of time cleaning out my blogs and deleting a bunch of people that I don't care about anymore and Google Reader didn't save any of it. ANY OF IT. I already tweeted about this, but I am still super annoyed. And now I have to do it all over again. Ugh. Also this was a terrible ending to the list. Terrible.

"Nope, haven't seen that movie." Says me everyday.

1. I got into a fight with my cat today over my pants. They were sitting on the counter and he wanted to play with the drawstring. I wanted to put them on. There were claws and meowing and me yelling "give me my pants" at a cat. It was definitely the weirdest thing that has happened today.
2. Today at work we had a photo shoot for our website. Which means we had to roll out EVERY SINGLE ITEM on our lunch and dinner menu. It took me and fellow sous chef 3 1/2 hours. Nothing got done from 1:00 until 4:30 except food for this photo shoot. I got home at 8:00 pm and realized I hadn't even peed the whole day. Because there wasn't time. Yes, I know, this is bad for me. But, dude, sometimes kitchens just don't allow pee time.
3. A restaurant friend of mine (whom I no longer work with) just changed his Facebook status from engaged to single and is posting a bunch of stuff about missing his best friend. This guy is the happiest, easy going guy I have ever met. I miss working with him and am so sad he is going through this. But, I have no idea, aside from a half assed apology and Facebook, how to be there for him. Because I really want to be. 
4. My minion, er, line cook is kind of awesome. We have been having this huge power struggle where he takes the fact that we are friends and doesn't respect my authority as his supervisor. I had to pull him aside and be like, look, dude, I am your boss first, your friend second. It was super uncomfortable because I really like this kid. He is all spazzy and ADD and super energetic and exactly the opposite of the kind of person I usually get along with. But, for some reason this kid has gotten under my skin and I kind of want to take him everywhere with me. Plus he told me I had bigger balls than all the other guys in the kitchen. He said that up until he met me, he didn't think women belonged in professional kitchens because they were too emotional/ weak/ etc. Then he met me and his opinion completely changed. You guys, he is the THIRD person to tell me this. I guess not really being a girl has its benefits. 
5. C and I had a food experimentation day on Sunday. We were trying to make the perfect Mofongo. I get that I do this for a living, but for some reason it is a lot more fun with bourbon. And C.
6. Fall is here. And all of you probably know this because you are not a moron, but one day I woke up and all of the trees went from green to beautiful colors. I drove up to Big Jed's house (about 45 minutes north of me now) and it was absolutely stunning. That drive is boring and flat, but the changing trees made it so distracting, I almost missed the exit. Spring will always be my favorite because it means the end of winter, but there is just something about football, hoodies, and fall foliage that I can't resist.
7. Do you ever look at pictures of your friend's kids and think, holy shit, that kid is gay/lesbian? Because this happens to me ALL the time. I have unusually good gaydar due to my fag hag status among the gays, but still. These kids are all in the 5 - 7 year old range and blatantly obvious. I don't care what anyone says, you are born that way. I will let you know in 15 years if I was right. (Spoiler Alert: I am.)
8. If political ads don't stop, I am going to become one of those crazy people that refuses to use technology and meditates all the time. That's a thing, right? It should be a thing.
9. Is anybody watching Revolution? Because the closet doomsday prepper in me should NOT WATCH THIS SHOW. We are totally talking about buying a 90 day supply of food and a bunch of water, just in case. You know...because you have to be prepared. At the very least, for a short power outage. We have the fireplace now and if we have food and water....and OH MY GOD SOMEBODY MAKE THIS STOP. Hold me.
10. I don't like movies. I am not sure if I have talked about this here, but I don't have the attention span. It is rare that I see a movie (not in the theater) and am not instantly bored. My attention span is much more suited to a sitcom. Even hour long dramas I find myself wandering off. And it is getting worse and worse as I get older. I feel like all I do is watch TV, but yet when someone asks me about the show I was watching, I am like, well, I played this cell phone game, did this on Facebook, read this book, and so on. It's almost become background noise instead of something I actively choose to watch. I am forever having this conversation  "Did you see "super trendy movie?" "I don't watch movies." "But it is super awesome. Let me quote a bunch of shit you don't care about." "Sweet. Sounds awesome. But I don't watch movies." The very next day; "Did you see "super old movie?" "I FUCKING FUCK TOLD YOU YESTERDAY THAT I DON'T WATCH MOVIES." "Oh. That's weird." And put this on repeat for eternity. Hey, guys. I don't watch movies.

Everybody hates the Outbreak monkey.

One of the best things about working in a kitchen is that you are only in contact with like 5 people on a regular basis. So, you don't encounter the germs and generally don't get sick.

Servers? Servers are always sick. ALWAYS. When a server comes in sick, we refuse to let them on the line. We don't leave the safe haven of the kitchen. Because we all know what happens when one of us gets sick...we are all sick. At the same time. And it is a miserable fucking place to be when everyone is sick.

Two weeks ago a server came in sick, trotted back on the line and started talking to us before any of us realized he was sick. As soon as he sniffled and coughed, it was as if the Outbreak monkey was standing in front of us. Level 10 flip out. Screaming. Yelling. Frantic hand washing. I believe a few prayers were said.

Slowly this cold has worked its way through the servers. It has been a week of coughing and runny noses while we all huddle in the corner of the line hoping that we were safe.

In walks one of my coworkers yesterday, "I feel like shit." SON OF A BITCH. We were infiltrated.

I woke up this morning with burning lungs and a wicked cough. And a fever. AWESOME. 

That server is dead to me.

Chasing the dragon. Wait, that's heroin.

There is this chef who used to work for our restaurant who is BAT SHIT CRAZY. Dude is just completely nuts. 

He spent today telling me that if he was a dictator, all Christians should be put in concentration camps and forced to choose either to to denounce their religion or have their children murdered to prevent the spread of Christianity. 

Now. While I don't think he would ever actually do this. Maybe. He did get really angry and throw a church magnet across the room. You can never really tell if he is serious.

Everything he says is either mildly sexist or mildly racist.

He is exactly the kind of person I do not like working with or being around for that matter. There are many reasons for this...mostly of the racist/sexist variety. But, also the drugs and the hookers/strippers.

He was listing every single strip club in the country that you can get a $20 blow job at. So, that makes the strippers hookers right?

The last time he was in the restaurant he told me a story about how he bought a bunch of blow to sell while he was on the road (he cooks on the road with bands) and ended up accidentally doing $5000 in blow in a week. I have ZERO idea how much coke this actually is, having never done it or bought it. I assume it is a lot.

So, today, he was bitching about his back hurting all day, making us lift stuff for him, the works. Finally I asked him how he hurt his back...to get the most shocking answer I have ever really gotten to a question. Deadpan, no sign of remorse, no indication that his answer was going to be shocking in anyway.

"I did too much coke and started seizing."

Um. WHAT? This wasn't alarming to you in anyway? This a commonplace occurrence? There are a lot of people like this in the restaurant industry and I know none of them. Except for this guy. And I am so happy not to know any of them, I can't even tell you. 

But it scares me. It makes me never want to leave the comfort of my coworkers who only use drugs recreationally. I do not like being around hard drugs. You smoke weed? Awesome. Mushrooms, Acid, whatever. But, when you start talking coke, heroin, crack, any of that shit, I get very uncomfortable. Maybe I watch too much Intervention. I just don't trust them and it is honestly the only thing I hate about this industry.

Or maybe I am just getting old and crotchety. I don't know. I just know that anyone who nonchalantly tells me they almost overdosed on coke and brushed it off is not someone I want in my life.

Remodel Pictures!

Before I go on with my blog post, I just want to say that I am officially fucking fuck over political ads. I get like this every election year, but this year it seems worse. 

So, moving on, tonight we had our first fire in our new fireplace and it occurred to me that I never showed you all pictures of the remodel.

I would have posted before pictures so you could compare, but unfortunately, the boy had to recently redo my computer and I no longer have adobe, and all my before pictures are in a pdf file. Boo. 

Here is the link to the video tour if you want to look back. I am sure, though, that none of you really care that much. 

In the first picture there is a flower arrangement that NONE of you are allowed to judge me on. I am TERRIBLE at flower arranging and am actually proud of this one. I plan on putting glass stones in the bottom and cutting off some of the leaves, and trimming the stick things so they aren't so high, but this looks way better than anything I have ever done. So, just humor me and tell me it is awesome and I don't even care that I will know every one of you is lying.

Also, you can't take an in focus picture without pausing the TV. Who knew?

I did not go back and read this. I apologize in advance.

Krav Maga again today. I have spent the last hour playing a fun game I like to call "will that sore spot become a bruise." I feel like the answer is almost always yes. 

I love the Krav Maga shit. I really do. But, I am not very good at it. And I feel like the 10 sessions I purchased with my groupon are going to be only enough to make me dangerous. To myself. Not others. For example, when attacking my partner, Nyeski, I repeatedly almost fell over. I mean. I can't even strangle someone from behind well, how am I going to prevent this from happening to me. They have the EASY job, the attackers. It is much harder to fend them off than it is to attack. Unless of course you are anyone else in the class, then fuck that, I would never attack you. Because I would hurt myself trying to get a grip on your neck.

Maybe I should have started with not falling over 101. Or, more importantly, how not to be a sweaty gross mess 101. Because, you guys, I am a sweater. Like, there was sweat in my eye and the instructor said "already?" then made some joke about me sweating vinegar. SHUT IT. I AM SWEATY. This is why kitchens are perfect, it is normal to be sweaty. 

In my head, I am this gross fat sweaty person and I KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE. Nobody yell at me. My head is not very nice. But, I hate the sweat. My mother never sweats. Why did I have to inherit my dad's sweat like a mother fucker gene.

I just got totally derailed by sweat. And whiskey. What? Has any blog post ever said sweat this many times?

The moral of the story is...I love this shit. And a part of me really wants to continue it past the 10 day groupon thing, but alas, I can't afford to join the gym. And I just googled to see if there were anymore, and there really aren't. 

So, my plan is to have the boy randomly attack me and then beat the crap out of him. Wait. That is a terrible plan.

Do any of you remember the episode of Friends where Ross tries to teach Rachel and Phoebe Unagi? That is what I just pictured. Also I watch too much Friends.

I want a way to do this in my free time and there just isn't. And that sucks. I want a way to not have to go to a gym for the tune of SO MUCH MONEY and continue this training, because I would. And that doesn't exist.

And this post was all over the place, but I took two phone calls, several text messages that involved brain power, and am watching TV all while posting this. I really want Nick and Jess to get together. I can't NOT watch.

My name is Erratic and I am ADD. 

Saving America's Youth. Or being terrified for future generations.

You need to know something about me in order for this story to not make me look like an ass hole. I leave my house at the EXACT time I have to in order to be at work at EXACTLY 9 am. I do this everywhere I go. I am rarely late. Rarely early. I am almost always exactly on time. I know how long it takes to drive just about everywhere in our city (it is rarely over 20 minutes) and plan accordingly. It is not weird to me that my father tells me that he will be at my house at 5:07 when leaving from work. Because I too would know exactly how long that drive would take. 

Onto the story...On my way into work this morning, I saw a little boy about 10 years old sitting in the parking lot by work. He was clearly alone, clearly dirty, and clearly hungry. I asked him if he was OK and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to come into the restaurant while I called the police and he said no. I begged him to come into the restaurant and he refused. I said OK and I went into work (because I was going to be late if I didn't and I am not forcing a child to come with me when they don't want to) calling the police as I walked in. They said they would send a squad car right over. I never heard anything again and assume all was well, even though I was worried.

My peon, er line cook, came in with the same story from about 8:00 am when he went on his run. Kid refused help, he called the police. 

At this point, we figured out that the kid was hiding from the police somehow. We were concerned, but didn't see him across the street, so there wasn't much we could do.

Enter the owner of the restaurant. He pulled into the parking lot as the kid was shitting behind the dumpster. We have had a phantom shitter in our parking lot for WEEKS. Also a former dishwasher who gets drunk and pees on our back door. This is why I work in restaurants. Office workers never pee on your back door. And it is HILARIOUS to throw your keys at the glass while he is doing it and watch him pee all over himself.

Restaurant workers are ass holes.

So, he asked the kid the same questions that we did to the same result. He took a blanket out of his car, wrapped the kid in it, and hid him. (We are all still confused as to why he hid him in the bushes.) Called the police, went outside and stood with the kid until the police came. As soon as the police showed up, they called the kid by his name, knew exactly who he was and had been looking for him for weeks. 

It turns out that the kid was being sent to one of those scared straight programs and he ran away from home to avoid having to go. His home life was a mess, but his parents were worried and happy he was home. They lived three blocks away.

A couple of things...what 10 year old needs a scared straight program? When I was 10, I was going on bike rides with my parents and playing with dolls. Maybe not dolls? But I had a little sister so probably. 

What parent isn't SCOURING the neighborhood looking for their kid. THREE people I worked with saw him. THREE. The neighborhood I work in is up and coming. There are a lot of boarded up houses sitting next to houses worth a million dollars (and selling for about $150k.) But, still. If you care enough to send your kid to a program to get straightened up, why don't you care enough to look?

And lastly, why, oh why, don't you use the gas station/bar/restaurant bathroom to take shit. And more importantly, how did he keep getting kitchen towels to cover it up?