That one time I accidentally went to the bar by myself on a Saturday night.

Last night I got a text from the gang at my old job asking if I wanted to meet them out late night for drinks. Restaurant week just ended for them and they lost THREE employees during that week. They needed a drink or 12. I asked them to text me when they were done and I would walk to the bar. 

This is where the story goes from an awesome night out with friends to one of the most awkward nights of my life.

I get the text and hit the pavement. I arrive at the bar to see a gaggle of hipsters outside smoking. I pull out my phone and send a text asking if they have arrived. All the hipsters go inside except one who immediately strikes up a conversation with me. I sort of cut her off, explaining I was meeting someone there. I wasn't trying to be rude, she was being a bitch and I didn't really want to deal with it. At one point she said "you can go inside, nobody will bite you." Bitch, please. This is my bar. 

I grab the LAST seat at the bar and order a beer from the bartender who is also my friend. I play on my phone for a minute, trying to kill time. 15 minutes goes by and I ask the bartender if she has seen the gang, maybe I missed them in the back room. She says she has not. 

I order another beer. 

The girl next to me proceeds to be the biggest cunt I have ever overheard. A bartender/servers nightmare. Extra this, extra that, this drink is too strong. (WHO SAYS THAT AT A DIVE BAR? THAT IS WHY YOU GO TO DIVE BARS!) She was a nightmare. So, I post something to facebook to this effect and tagged all the guys, saying you assholes better get here fast. They respond they will be right there. Awesome.

I start texting Big Jed.

The chicks frat boy boyfriends show up. They share one IQ point amongst the three of them.

I am frantically giving Big Jed a play by play.

"Frat boy just introduced himself to me and now pity small talk. SAVE ME FROM THIS."

"Leave now. Abort!!! Abort!!!"

"I just got the creepy 'are you alone?' look. "

"Uh oh. I hear the theme from jaws."

"Hear it? I am moments away from having to chainsaw out of a shark*."

"No. Serioulsy, I am gripping a bar stool for dear life."

"I want to scream I HAVE FRIENDS really loud but I feel like that would make it worse."

"I am in the circle of hell Dante forgot about...awkward."

Then they finally showed up. ONE HOUR LATER. Seriously, like four people tried to have pity conversations with me and two different guys tried to pick me up. And not in a good way. One of them was a regular who is always TRASHED and never remembers me and is old enough to be my grandfather. I see him everywhere and he always has no idea who I am. 

I forced them to buy me TWO rounds of shots before I would even speak to them. 

Frat boy walked up to me as I was leaving the bar at close and said, "I really thought you got stood up. I'm glad you really do have friends."

And I was just drunk enough to say, "Yeah, me too. I appreciate the awkward pity conversation, though. That totally helped the situation." I forgot to hold up my sarcasm sign because he smiled and said, "you're welcome." Apparently Saturday was not his day for the IQ point.

*This is a Sharknado reference. If you have not yet seen Sharknado, please stop everything you are doing right now and watch it. It is the worst movie I have ever seen in the best possible way.