That one time I accidentally went to the bar by myself on a Saturday night.

Last night I got a text from the gang at my old job asking if I wanted to meet them out late night for drinks. Restaurant week just ended for them and they lost THREE employees during that week. They needed a drink or 12. I asked them to text me when they were done and I would walk to the bar. 

This is where the story goes from an awesome night out with friends to one of the most awkward nights of my life.

I get the text and hit the pavement. I arrive at the bar to see a gaggle of hipsters outside smoking. I pull out my phone and send a text asking if they have arrived. All the hipsters go inside except one who immediately strikes up a conversation with me. I sort of cut her off, explaining I was meeting someone there. I wasn't trying to be rude, she was being a bitch and I didn't really want to deal with it. At one point she said "you can go inside, nobody will bite you." Bitch, please. This is my bar. 

I grab the LAST seat at the bar and order a beer from the bartender who is also my friend. I play on my phone for a minute, trying to kill time. 15 minutes goes by and I ask the bartender if she has seen the gang, maybe I missed them in the back room. She says she has not. 

I order another beer. 

The girl next to me proceeds to be the biggest cunt I have ever overheard. A bartender/servers nightmare. Extra this, extra that, this drink is too strong. (WHO SAYS THAT AT A DIVE BAR? THAT IS WHY YOU GO TO DIVE BARS!) She was a nightmare. So, I post something to facebook to this effect and tagged all the guys, saying you assholes better get here fast. They respond they will be right there. Awesome.

I start texting Big Jed.

The chicks frat boy boyfriends show up. They share one IQ point amongst the three of them.

I am frantically giving Big Jed a play by play.

"Frat boy just introduced himself to me and now pity small talk. SAVE ME FROM THIS."

"Leave now. Abort!!! Abort!!!"

"I just got the creepy 'are you alone?' look. "

"Uh oh. I hear the theme from jaws."

"Hear it? I am moments away from having to chainsaw out of a shark*."

"No. Serioulsy, I am gripping a bar stool for dear life."

"I want to scream I HAVE FRIENDS really loud but I feel like that would make it worse."

"I am in the circle of hell Dante forgot about...awkward."

Then they finally showed up. ONE HOUR LATER. Seriously, like four people tried to have pity conversations with me and two different guys tried to pick me up. And not in a good way. One of them was a regular who is always TRASHED and never remembers me and is old enough to be my grandfather. I see him everywhere and he always has no idea who I am. 

I forced them to buy me TWO rounds of shots before I would even speak to them. 

Frat boy walked up to me as I was leaving the bar at close and said, "I really thought you got stood up. I'm glad you really do have friends."

And I was just drunk enough to say, "Yeah, me too. I appreciate the awkward pity conversation, though. That totally helped the situation." I forgot to hold up my sarcasm sign because he smiled and said, "you're welcome." Apparently Saturday was not his day for the IQ point.

*This is a Sharknado reference. If you have not yet seen Sharknado, please stop everything you are doing right now and watch it. It is the worst movie I have ever seen in the best possible way.  

What horror movie would you choose to live in?

You are all about to get a sneak peak into my brain. Beware. (insert sinister music)

I am driving home from work tonight and it was pouring down rain. There is construction on the state route I take to work, so they had those giant night construction nights. I pass the construction, completely blind from the light, when I see a semi pulled over on the side of the road and what I believe to be the truck driver standing in the middle of the road. I started to slow way down, trying to figure out what was going on. I got closer, blinked a few times and realized nobody was there.

My immediate reaction was to say, out loud, "Well, fuck, now I'm going to die."

I proceeded to then figure out exactly which kind of horror movie I would like to die in. This is why leaving me alone for 30 minutes in the car is dangerous.

1. Slasher. The problem with slasher movies is that the characters always die because they are doing something stupid. They run upstairs when the killer is chasing them, they answer the door, they run into a barn, they run into a basement. I would hopefully not be stupid. So, this one is a contender.
2. Religious/Satanic. Nope, nope, nope. I do not want my head to spin around and vomit pea soup. A nemesis that you can't see is not how I want to go. I want to stand a chance and fight. This one is definitely out.
3. Supernatural/ghost. Same thing as above. That movie "The Grudge" where that chick crawls around and makes that croaking noise. Holy terrifying. I would die of fear. Plus, you can't kill a ghost, right?
4. Vampire. While I do love a lot of books about vampires, they are always good. The movies where they are bad are kind of terrifying because of the whole undead thing. Oh and the super human strength thing. Yeah, I'll pass.
5. Zombies. Now this is an adversary I can get on board with. They are dumb and slow. In order to survive I have to simply stay away from them. And I have watched enough Walking Dead to know that just means taking over a prison, clearing it out, and boom. I live.
6. Monster. I mean, it depends on the monster? If it were say a giant water monster, I could live without swimming. If it was like a million bug like things, I'm out. Godzilla like monster...again, it's just one monster and I feel like I would be smart enough to avoid it. You know, because it's huge. And very visible. And presumably easy to avoid. So...maybe on this category.
7. Psychological. FUCK THIS NOISE. I have seen all the "Saw" movies. I have never once looked at one of those situations and seen a clear choice. Other than putting a gun to my head. No way. Nuh uh. None of that shit for me.
8. Aliens. This is kind of like the monster one to me. I mean, is the government handling it like in Independence Day (which is not at all a horror film, I know) or am I like face to face with an alien that is sliming me? Or are they among us and I don't know who the enemy is? Ooh. No. I don't want that. I like a clear cut enemy.

The conclusion I came to is that if my life becomes a horror movie, I would like for it to be a zombie horror movie. I pretty much want it to be The Walking Dead, please. If you need me, I'll be chilling with Daryl.