The Post I Thought I Would Never Write

The boy and I broke up. It is part of why I have been absent. I give up on excuses of why I am absent. I'm not sleeping or eating or doing things normal people do. I don't know how he is because he is staying elsewhere...I don't know where that is. 

I am not going to taint what we had by blogging about why it ended. It just did. I just hung up the phone with my future landlord and I am moving into an apartment that consists of a tiny kitchen, a living room, a bathroom and a bedroom. A nice apartment that I love. I have to have my father cosign because of the foreclosure. I feel like a 19 year old.

I have no room for anything I own. I look at the few boxes the boy has already piled up for me and I think, there is no place for any of this in my life. My kitchen equipment, my dishes, my spices. None of it. 

I'm not sure when I am going to blog again. Right now, it's just not my priority. I love all of you, but I have to figure out me for a little while. I have to move and sell most of my belongings and reconcile what is happening. I have to figure out how to be alone again. 

The moral of the story: just don't ever take me seriously. ever. well, maybe sometimes. this post is a mess.

Clarification: I secretly love that Robin Thicke song. I am not saying that people shouldn't listen to the song. I am just saying it is part of a very prevalent rape culture in this country and to suggest that it should be some sort of feminist anthem is what I have issue with. Do I like that songs like this are part of the mainstream media? Not really. But the song is catchy and I find myself bopping along to it in the car. 

Also that song is taking over my life. 

And I love Jimmy Fallon. And this was awesome. And he is hot. But also kind of douchey, right? Like, when I look at him I immediately know I wouldn't like him. 

Anywho...Here is my thing with rape culture. I am not worried about my peers all of a sudden thinking, well, I never thought it was cool to assume a girl wanted it when she didn't before, but now that Robin Thicke says it's ok, well, shit. Let's do it.

I am worried about our generation's sons and daughters. I am worried about the lessons we are teaching them about what the word no means. And how to treat women. I'm just scared we are trivializing women's rights to their own sexuality. 

Maybe that is a tad hypocritical? I don't mind the songs being out there as long as we don't listen to the lyrics? I don't know. I just know several people contacted me IRL life like "OMG HOW DO YOU NOT LIKE THAT SONG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU LIGHTEN UP." And I am all, chill. 

Robin Thicke is kind of a douche who thinks he's some kind of feminist. I simply want to point that fact out. 

And then listen to that stupid mother fucking song and laugh every time he says "what rhymes with hug me?" Because: nothing.

So, teach your sons to respect women and THEN let them listen to Robin Thicke. Can we all agree on that?

Also I dropped a 2 X 4 on my foot and it hurts to put weight on it, which makes my dad think it is broken. I have never broken a bone, but I am walking on it, so I assume it is not broken? Well, I have broken toes. And those don't hurt that bad. So...I don't know. Maybe I broke my foot. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and it will all be fine. Except it is swollen and black and blue. So, maybe not fine? 

I need to make friends with a doctor. Any doctors out there? I need you on retainer. And by retainer I mean you can have some beers when you come over to diagnose whatever I have done to harm myself today. You're going to need to bring a tetanus shot, an x-ray machine and lots and lots of stitches.

Baby otters, feminism, and all of you filing a restraining order.

1. I am addicted to Whisper. If you don't know what it is, it is a lot like the PostSecret iPhone app. If you don't know what PostSecret is, why are we friends? Just kidding. Sort of. I don't really post anything on it and get super annoyed at the 17 year old emo shit, but the voyeuristic quality of just reading people's deepest darkest secrets is something I can't resist. I have always said that if I had any superpower, it would be invisibility. I don't want to watch people have sex or anything. I am just kind of fascinated by the idea of watching people when they don't think anyone is watching. 
2. That last bullet point was super creepy. Let's not all get restraining orders at once. I promise to leave your bushes now....
3. The weather here has been so nice that we have had our windows open for about a week. No, I am not blogging about weather. But, when there is a light breeze and it is slightly cool and all the neighborhood noises float in the room, I am so at peace I can't even explain it. It is my favorite thing in the world to wake up this way. Maybe I would like camping...
4. I have had this song in my head all day. Every time someone said hey, I immediately responded "hey hey hey." The reason is that on the way to work, the radio station said that in response to the controversy over his music video and lyrics, Robin Thicke responded that his song should be the new feminist anthem. Or something. I am not fact checking that quote. So I played the song on my phone before going into work and WHAT. Objectify women. Absolutely. Don't care. Women are hot. If a woman wants to strut around on stage naked, that is her choice. That is feminism. Women choosing. HOWEVER. You are calling the song "blurred lines" and saying "I know you want it" over and over while inferring that she does not, in fact, want it because she is a good girl. Ugh. Rape culture. Just stop. IF A WOMAN WANTS IT, SHE WILL ASK FOR IT. IF SHE DOESN'T, IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DETERMINE THAT SHE DOES IN FACT WANT IT AND GIVE IT TO HER. Feminism my fucking ass.
5. I am the only person at work that knows my coworkers girlfriend is pregnant and it is KILLING ME. I want to tell everyone. He is so adorable about it. A family came in the other day with a baby and next thing I know he is at the table (he is a server) holding the baby with this stupid grin on his face. There is NOTHING cuter than a man with a baby. Not even otters. Maybe otters. A MAN HOLDING A BABY OTTER. My brain just exploded.
6. I just finished a 5 book series and feel lost. I know, Pocket Pen, I will start the next one you told me to STOP EVERYTHING AND READ RIGHT NOW. I really will. I just always feel like I lost a friend when I finish a series. Is that weird? Is this reason number 462 I need therapy? 
7. It's official. I am a fan girl...what I swore I would never be. I now own a MacBook Pro, an iPad and an iPhone. And I sold my Kindle. WHAT HAS THE BOY TURNED ME INTO?
8. I hate my job. I have avoided talking about it and I know I need to make a change soon. I am still not really ready to talk about it. 
9. I think I have the name picked out for the catering company. I need input, if you all don't mind. It is between "Infused: A private chef experience" and "Infused private catering." Eh? 
10. This post was super shouty. My bad.

That one time I accidentally went to the bar by myself on a Saturday night.

Last night I got a text from the gang at my old job asking if I wanted to meet them out late night for drinks. Restaurant week just ended for them and they lost THREE employees during that week. They needed a drink or 12. I asked them to text me when they were done and I would walk to the bar. 

This is where the story goes from an awesome night out with friends to one of the most awkward nights of my life.

I get the text and hit the pavement. I arrive at the bar to see a gaggle of hipsters outside smoking. I pull out my phone and send a text asking if they have arrived. All the hipsters go inside except one who immediately strikes up a conversation with me. I sort of cut her off, explaining I was meeting someone there. I wasn't trying to be rude, she was being a bitch and I didn't really want to deal with it. At one point she said "you can go inside, nobody will bite you." Bitch, please. This is my bar. 

I grab the LAST seat at the bar and order a beer from the bartender who is also my friend. I play on my phone for a minute, trying to kill time. 15 minutes goes by and I ask the bartender if she has seen the gang, maybe I missed them in the back room. She says she has not. 

I order another beer. 

The girl next to me proceeds to be the biggest cunt I have ever overheard. A bartender/servers nightmare. Extra this, extra that, this drink is too strong. (WHO SAYS THAT AT A DIVE BAR? THAT IS WHY YOU GO TO DIVE BARS!) She was a nightmare. So, I post something to facebook to this effect and tagged all the guys, saying you assholes better get here fast. They respond they will be right there. Awesome.

I start texting Big Jed.

The chicks frat boy boyfriends show up. They share one IQ point amongst the three of them.

I am frantically giving Big Jed a play by play.

"Frat boy just introduced himself to me and now pity small talk. SAVE ME FROM THIS."

"Leave now. Abort!!! Abort!!!"

"I just got the creepy 'are you alone?' look. "

"Uh oh. I hear the theme from jaws."

"Hear it? I am moments away from having to chainsaw out of a shark*."

"No. Serioulsy, I am gripping a bar stool for dear life."

"I want to scream I HAVE FRIENDS really loud but I feel like that would make it worse."

"I am in the circle of hell Dante forgot about...awkward."

Then they finally showed up. ONE HOUR LATER. Seriously, like four people tried to have pity conversations with me and two different guys tried to pick me up. And not in a good way. One of them was a regular who is always TRASHED and never remembers me and is old enough to be my grandfather. I see him everywhere and he always has no idea who I am. 

I forced them to buy me TWO rounds of shots before I would even speak to them. 

Frat boy walked up to me as I was leaving the bar at close and said, "I really thought you got stood up. I'm glad you really do have friends."

And I was just drunk enough to say, "Yeah, me too. I appreciate the awkward pity conversation, though. That totally helped the situation." I forgot to hold up my sarcasm sign because he smiled and said, "you're welcome." Apparently Saturday was not his day for the IQ point.

*This is a Sharknado reference. If you have not yet seen Sharknado, please stop everything you are doing right now and watch it. It is the worst movie I have ever seen in the best possible way.  

What horror movie would you choose to live in?

You are all about to get a sneak peak into my brain. Beware. (insert sinister music)

I am driving home from work tonight and it was pouring down rain. There is construction on the state route I take to work, so they had those giant night construction nights. I pass the construction, completely blind from the light, when I see a semi pulled over on the side of the road and what I believe to be the truck driver standing in the middle of the road. I started to slow way down, trying to figure out what was going on. I got closer, blinked a few times and realized nobody was there.

My immediate reaction was to say, out loud, "Well, fuck, now I'm going to die."

I proceeded to then figure out exactly which kind of horror movie I would like to die in. This is why leaving me alone for 30 minutes in the car is dangerous.

1. Slasher. The problem with slasher movies is that the characters always die because they are doing something stupid. They run upstairs when the killer is chasing them, they answer the door, they run into a barn, they run into a basement. I would hopefully not be stupid. So, this one is a contender.
2. Religious/Satanic. Nope, nope, nope. I do not want my head to spin around and vomit pea soup. A nemesis that you can't see is not how I want to go. I want to stand a chance and fight. This one is definitely out.
3. Supernatural/ghost. Same thing as above. That movie "The Grudge" where that chick crawls around and makes that croaking noise. Holy terrifying. I would die of fear. Plus, you can't kill a ghost, right?
4. Vampire. While I do love a lot of books about vampires, they are always good. The movies where they are bad are kind of terrifying because of the whole undead thing. Oh and the super human strength thing. Yeah, I'll pass.
5. Zombies. Now this is an adversary I can get on board with. They are dumb and slow. In order to survive I have to simply stay away from them. And I have watched enough Walking Dead to know that just means taking over a prison, clearing it out, and boom. I live.
6. Monster. I mean, it depends on the monster? If it were say a giant water monster, I could live without swimming. If it was like a million bug like things, I'm out. Godzilla like monster...again, it's just one monster and I feel like I would be smart enough to avoid it. You know, because it's huge. And very visible. And presumably easy to avoid. So...maybe on this category.
7. Psychological. FUCK THIS NOISE. I have seen all the "Saw" movies. I have never once looked at one of those situations and seen a clear choice. Other than putting a gun to my head. No way. Nuh uh. None of that shit for me.
8. Aliens. This is kind of like the monster one to me. I mean, is the government handling it like in Independence Day (which is not at all a horror film, I know) or am I like face to face with an alien that is sliming me? Or are they among us and I don't know who the enemy is? Ooh. No. I don't want that. I like a clear cut enemy.

The conclusion I came to is that if my life becomes a horror movie, I would like for it to be a zombie horror movie. I pretty much want it to be The Walking Dead, please. If you need me, I'll be chilling with Daryl.

Baby or Meth? You decide.

I was in CVS picking up allergy medication, mouthwash, nail polish and wine. I was eyeing my mouthwash options when I saw someone approach. 

"I know you don't know me from anybody else, but I don't have enough money to buy my baby formula."

I continued looking at mouthwash, sort of wishing the situation away. 

"I don't want money, I, God, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe I am even asking you to do this. Can you buy this formula? I don't get paid until Thursday and I don't know what to do. I don't want to steal it."

Without looking up, "How much is formula?"

"About $16. The baby needs the iron in this particular brand. It is more expensive. I'm really sorry. I can get something else if I need to."

I look up, seeing him for the first time. Tears are in his eyes and he can't make eye contact with me. 

"Come on. I need something from the pharmacy."

He hesitates and looks at me as I walk away, clearly not walking towards the checkout lanes.

"Are you coming? I need something from the pharmacy."

He scurries along behind me, rambling nervously about how he doesn't get paid until Thursday and the government assistance only gives him 8 things of formula a month and it is never enough, but normally he has enough money.

I put up my hand to stop him. "I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for your baby." I hand him the formula and tell him to have a good night. He thanks me profusely and I give him a tight smile. 

I was annoyed. I was annoyed that he didn't budget his money better. I was annoyed that I quite possibly just bought someone something they were going to use to cut their meth. I was annoyed that I was the person he walked up to in the pharmacy, although I am sure my clearly frivolous purchases encouraged his approach. 

I did it because the thought of there being a baby sitting in some shit hole apartment with no food broke my heart. Which, I am sure, is part of the scam if it was a scam. 

As he drove off, he honked and thanked me again. With a baby in the backseat of the car and a woman in the passenger seat. My heart swelled. I did the right thing. 

I unlocked my car and a gentleman approached and asked me for money for food. I smiled at him and said, "I will drive down to subway and get you a sandwich if you would like."

To which he replied, "No thanks, I don't like Subway." So be it.

I posted about my first encounter and subsequent purchase on Facebook and how the boy gave me endless shit about it when I got home, saying "You always fall for this shit." 

Most of the comments were positive. One person in particular made some comment asking if the gentleman smoked and agreeing with the boy that I shouldn't have done it. 

The same person posted about a woman who was in the gym trying to lose weight and was bragging to this person how proud she was of herself that she went for a month straight and her husband took her out for pizza as a reward. This person basically called this woman fat and lazy and chided her for eating pizza as a reward. 

I am pretty OK with where I fell tonight. I am pretty OK with the side I was on. Because, you know what, I don't want to go through life not trusting people. Hating people. I'm not stupid, clearly based on the second encounter. I am not irresponsible about giving money to people who beg. I am going to spend my evening thinking that I helped a desperate father. And anybody who wants to can spend their evening thinking I helped some guy cook meth. I don't really care. 

Because in the end, I believe in helping people and giving back. You never know someone else's circumstances, you have never lived in their shoes. 

I left work one day and my gas light was on. I pulled up to the pump and realized I did not have my wallet. I only had enough gas to get back to work. I went back and was lucky enough that I could borrow $10 from petty cash and pay it back the next day. 

What would have happened if I didn't have those circumstances? What would have happened if I worked in an office building, everyone had left and I had no access to money? I would have had to beg people at the gas station to give me money so I could get home. 

Yes, sometimes they are meth heads. But, sometimes they are real people in really bad circumstances that just need that $17 can of formula to get them through. 

Garden

The garden is in full bloom! Well, sort of. Mostly, we're just eating a lot of lettuce. The seedlings didn't do so hot due to it being too cold in the cellar. Lesson learned. So, most of the garden was planted from seed. And once planted, it definitely grew fast! Here are a few of the pictures I have been promising forever, including the first things picked from the garden on the BAD ASS HANDMADE cutting board I got for $45 at the arts festival. In love. Enjoy.