Dating woes

I learned something very important being single in my thirties...there is almost always a reason people are still single in their thirties. Some are perfectly reasonable, like divorce or a break up or some such thing. Some of these people are just fucking crazy. 

What is funny about my dating stories is that all of this happened once I started the new job and man-pants was sort of the person I confided in and vice versa. We would exchange our horrible dating stories and laugh about them, both of us secretly happy it didn't work out. I will say it again, every relationship should start as a friendship. He became one of my closest friends and the transition into a relationship was ridiculously easy and natural. 

On to Erratic's dating horror stories...

I will start with the beer delivery guy. I have known him for some time, he delivered to a restaurant I worked for. We have been facebook friends and text now and then. This was probably the only story I didn't immediately find hilarious because I genuinely had high hopes for this. We talked on and off for several weeks and then decided to grab a beer. It went great. I actually spent New Years Eve on the phone with him for four hours. (I worked until 11) Out of the blue, he told me I was too clingy and needy and it was a huge turn off. Then he not only unfriended me on Facebook, he blocked me. I still have zero clue what happened because I am not clingy nor needy. At all. In fact, I am the polar opposite of both those things. His text (yes, text) said something along the lines of "I have consulted a friend and after much deliberation, despite you being a great kisser, I do not want to persue a relationship with you." I am not entirely sure if I got blown off or just didn't get a job I didn't know I applied for. 

Then there was the chemist who I met at a bar by my house. Really great guy. We went out several times. We made plans one night to cook dinner at my apartment. He was going to grab stuff from the store and meet me here after work. At about 4:00 pm he said he was leaving for the store. I never heard from him again. I know he is fine because he has an iPhone which shows me when a message is read. No explanation, just never heard from him again.

There was the non-date, date. I volunteer at a battered women's shelter and a men's mission. I took one of the guys from the mission to a job interview and then treated him to lunch. I am 99% sure he thought it was a date. Needless to say, I stopped responding to his texts when they got sexual.

There was the guy who literally said nothing the entire date and then got mad when I ended it early. I was called a tease and told that we had great chemistry, I was just too stupid and stuck up to see it. He literally said NOTHING but one word answers to questions I asked. Oh and when I ended it early, he left and stuck me with the bill. 

And I most certainly saved the best for last. I again met this guy at the bar, we exchanged numbers since we were both out with friends. He was incredibly good looking and was a counselor at a shelter for troubled boys. Kind of thought this guy was perfect. We talked on and off for a week - he worked second shift making it difficult to mesh schedules. We finally went out and came back to my apartment to watch a movie. He pulled me into his lap and when I turned to kiss him, he put a finger in front of my lips and said "I don't kiss, but you can suck my dick if you want." Needless to say I threw him out and never spoke to him again. Who does that?

But it all lead me to man-pants, so I suppose it was good to get all the bad ones out of the way. I know I wasn't single long, but I genuinely hope I never have to be single again. Because like Josey said in the comments...sometimes you just know. 

The Neighborhood

What summer brought living on my street was warm nights drinking beer on the stoop. It was support when everyone was sort of falling apart. It was a little family that held each other up. 

This winter has been rough. Freezing cold temperatures, record snow fall, and very little time outside of the house. This brought out a lot of depression amongst the street, myself included. Luckily man-pants came along and made me want to spend all of my time in my apartment. 

Not so much for everyone else. My neighbors lost one of their mothers and have been traveling back and forth to Indiana since Thanksgiving. I can hear them screaming at each other through the floor. 

Another neighbor just stopped taking care of his pets and finally surrendered them to the humane society. He owes two of us so much money we have lost track.

Another neighbor is pretty much drinking 24/7, including at work. He works for me two nights a week for some extra money washing dishes. The first time I have proof he is drinking, I will fire him. I have already decided I do not want him to be a part of my life. 

I am lucky that I do not suffer from mental illness. And I have done everything I can to be there for the neighbors. But I just can't anymore. Our little family is slowly becoming smaller as everyone is coming to the same conclusion that I have. And that is ok. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I don't know what spring will bring. I hope it snaps everyone out of this and maybe some friendships can be mended. Maybe they can't. But needless to say, the snow that is coming tomorrow is quite unwelcome. 

The story

When I started at my new job, one of the first things I did was establish a management structure by appointing shift leads. I obviously spent a lot of time with them initially figuring out solutions to the problems that I saw right away. One of those shift leads became a fast friend. We spent a lot of time discussing the issues going on, fixing recipes and even working to come out with a new menu. 

There were feelings there very early on. I sort of refused to acknowledge them. He is the person I confided in when I had a terrible date. I found myself going in to work on my days off, timing it so I was done at the same time he was so we could have our shift drink together. 

He is an artist and offered to paint my apartment. Maybe do some cool graffiti shit in the hallway. He came over to take measurements one day and I invited him to grab a drink at the bar next door. Needless to say, one thing lead to another and just friends we no longer were. 

I freaked out. To the point of almost having a panic attack at work the next day. I was his boss and this was extremely inappropriate. I don't do things like this. I am good at this kind of boundary. We talked and both agreed that these feelings had been there for months; he was actually self aware enough to realize he had them far before that day. I apparently enjoy getting kicked in the face with months worth of feelings all at once. 

We have been seeing each other for about a month. We have not told anyone at work yet, but will probably change that sooner than later. Because this is definitely not a fling. He knows me better than most people in my life and it has been a month. I have never dated anyone I was friends with first and it is quite possibly the only way to go. We were close as friends and being in a relationship magnified that closeness. I can tell him anything and he will still love me. Yes, I said love. We are most definitely in love. I have never experienced anything like this. 

I introduced him to my dad last weekend. We have plans to drive to his hometown so I can meet his parents. Is it fast? Yes. Yes it is. It scares me a little. But then I remember who it is and I am ok with it. Because I have never felt safer with anyone in my entire life. I have never been this content. For the first time I feel like I have a partner, someone always on my side. 

And just to ease everyone's mind, no I can't lose my job. There is no policy against this. And we have already discussed one of us leaving and finding a new job in the company if this gets serious. The owner often dates servers. The hang ups we have are simply because we both want people at work to respect us and are scared that will change if this comes out. 

So there you have it. The story of the new man in my life, who we will call man-pants. Because his term of endearment for me is lady-pants. Or just lady. As I write this, he is asleep on my shoulder. We have a very rare day off together and are cooking dinner for the neighbors. But even if we weren't, we would be together. It's weird for me, to want to spend this much time with someone. And I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm Alive!

I am not done with this blog. I swear, I'm not. Several things are going on here. First of all, I haven't had a laptop for months. First the power cord died, then something screwy is going on with the login and I haven't had time to go to the apple store. I also, you know, ended a relationship, moved and started a job in a month. This space didn't feel the safest to talk about what all of that meant to me. Most people who know me well, the boy included, read this blog. And what I have been going through is deeply personal and I didn't want to share it here. It feels like, for the first time, I am on the other side of that. I can talk about it, talk about what has been going on with me. It will just have to be from the app on my phone for the time being. Because I miss being here. I miss writing. I miss all of you. Those of you that have blogs, I have been loyally reading and, as per usual, not commenting. But I've been here, lurking in the shadows and biding my time until I feel whole enough to be back. And back I am. 

The new job is not just going well, it is fantastic. I feel in my element every single day. I am good at this, at running a kitchen. Every job I have ever had in a kitchen my hands have been tied and I wasn't able to make any of the decisions. Now I can and it is awesome. I feel like all of the things I am doing and decisions I  am making are making the restaurant better for my staff and for the customers. It's a good feeling. And for the most part, the staff likes me. That is also a very good feeling. 

I was dating for a while, if you can even call it that. I met some awesome people I didn't click with and some TERRIBLE people. There will be a blog post all on it's own for erratics dating mishaps. My pain is your amusement. I am no longer dating because I met someone. And, yes it is soon and yes that scares me a little, but you guys. He is wonderful. And he deserves his very own post so that is all you get for now. 

The neighborhood family is having some trouble right now, which I will also save for it's own post. But with the addition of some new members, we are still going strong. I love, love my street no matter how crazy it can get. 

The holidays were very hard for me. There was a lot of the family talking behind my back about me being newly single blah blah. It was extremely hurtful and I wish they had come to me and asked rather than jumping to conclusions about where my life is headed. It definitely put some distance between me and everybody which is equally hurtful. I did not need that on top of everything else. I obviously am not going to post the details here, but the comments that got back to me made me question a lot of relationships in the first place. Why do people do that? Kick you when you are down? Isn't it easier, and infinitely kinder, to just say, "I don't know what happened, I am so sorry it did, and if you need to talk I am here." Not one person, aside from my father, asked what happened. And that's fine, I understand not wanting to pry, but then discussing my future behind my back certainly isn't appropriate. Needless to say I picked up every shift I could so I wasn't around and just buried myself in work. 

So that is the summary, I guess. More posts coming soon as promised! It feels good to be back.

All work and no play make Erratic a very happy girl

Wow. It has been over a month since I posted. You guys, my bad. That's all I've got. My bad. But if it makes anyone feel any better, it's because I have been busy living life and doing things and overall just positive shit.

So, new job. New job is mother fucking amazing. Not only do they love me, I love them. The restaurant has been opened for about 10 years and has literally never had a kitchen manager. So, I have my work cut out for me, but I love that. I love that I get to put all the policies and procedures in place and fix this shit. I really, really love this job. I feel needed and wanted. I am having a staff meeting a week from today that is going to be a turning point. A lot of people are going to quit and I am OK with that. I will make it work. 

One of my benefits is a free shift drink every shift I work. Unless my boss is there, then it is a free cab ride home because he gets me drunk as fuck. For free. Kind of counterproductive. But, whatever. So, last night I sat after work and drank with one of the servers and a bunch of kitchen staff from a steak house that is around the corner. She basically told me that nobody had any faith in me until they met me and now everyone loves me. And they have total faith that I can fix everything that is wrong. It felt really, really good. Because, I am good at what I do. I may not be the most confident person on earth, but dammit, I am good at what I do.

I am, however, working ALL. THE. TIME. I have been working all night tonight when I realized I needed to post something here. When I'm not there, I am still working on catching up a decade of paperwork and shit that has just been neglected. I am probably making $3 an hour at this point. Thankfully my gay neighbor family helps take care of the Short Dog. Speaking of...

The Short Dog has fleas. Again. I finally just bombed my apartment thinking that maybe I moved into a infestation of some kind. There is no other explanation. He has never had fleas. My neighbor has a very poorly taken care of dog, so I am thinking they are coming from his apartment? I don't know. I am over mother fucking fleas. This poor dog has been through hell these past few months. I just want him to be better!

So that is what's up with me. Work, work, more work and fleas. How are all of you? I miss being here. I promise to return soon.

Liquor in glass bottles is for rich people.

I have said so many bad things, I want to tell you about all of the good. Because I am doing well and I feel like if you read this blog, you probably think that I am in a partially condemned building crying. That is only half true. I'm not crying.

Last night Earl called and asked if I wanted to hang out. So, we hit up happy hour at the local restaurant we can only afford to drink at during happy hour, then headed to the gay bar for Monday night Karaoke. I told no one where I was going. Just hanging out with Earl. By the end of the night, every single friend I have in the neighborhood, and a few from other neighborhoods, had wandered in and joined our table. What started as two of us, ended with about 12 friends laughing and hugging and having a good time. 

If I get stuck at work, I simply have to sound the alarm and there are 6 different people willing to let out the dog.

When I get home from work, or even on my day off and just need to see a friendly face, I simply sit on the stoop with a beer and wait. Someone will walk by and sit with me. 

One of the guys on the street is getting evicted for stupid reasons that you all don't care about. We rallied around him and he moved in with another friend, I rented a UHaul (I am the only one on the block with a drivers license) and helped him move.

I drive people to the laundromat and the grocery store. They make me dinner when I am too broke or too lazy to make it myself. 

All of these people have lived in this neighborhood for 15 years and are a big, mismatched family. And they adopted me. 

Last night at the bar, my next door neighbor looked at me and said, "I hope that when you get back on your feet and can afford a better apartment, you will stay in the neighborhood. Because you are one of us now." I almost cried. I can't tell you what that feels like. To just know someone is always there. Sure, I know my friends are there for me. Absolutely. But they all have lives. And work normal hours. And live far away. This is easy. We are all right here, supporting one another. 

Towards the end of my relationship with the boy, I got very lonely. It is hard to explain feeling lonely with someone in the next room, but it is the worst kind of lonely. And I was terrified to be alone again when I was already in kind of a bad place. But our little family is all single and all get lonely. They understand when I knock on the door and say I just need a hug. I usually get a hug and a drink and sometimes even dinner. And when they show up on my door step and just need a hug, I happily let them in, hand them a beer and give them a hug.

And now for the really, really great news. I got a new job. With FREE benefits. You read that correctly. I pay nothing for medical, dental and eye coverage. And it pays me more than I am making now. And it's salary. And it's my own kitchen. AND I GET TWO WEEKS PAID VACATION. It is sort of my dream job. Seriously. I have been wanting to work for this restaurant group since before culinary school. No, it's not a chain. Just a bunch of locally owned places under one umbrella.

So. Good things are happening. I have found myself a little family in the hood and a job that means I can afford to actually do this. I am burning all the Ramen and buying a bottle of bourbon that doesn't come in a plastic jug.

Positivity

I had some friends come over last night and they were the first to officially see my tiny shit hole apartment. I expected very poor reactions. I expected them to gasp in horror then run screaming back to their gorgeous houses in the suburbs. They didn't. They were supportive and awesome and said the sweetest kindest things that I didn't even know I needed to hear. Because here is the thing about being single at 32...it kind of sucks. And I know I am not the only person that has done this and I know that other people have found the one later in life. 

But I want to be single. I don't want to find anyone for a long time. I probably will not have children. At least of my own. The next person I do date will probably be divorced. Or have children of their own. Or be younger than me. I sit and think about these things with zero emotion because I have no emotion to give them. 

People say things, like, "I could never live somewhere without a washer and dryer." or "God, the second floor? All those stairs would kill me." or "You have to walk the dog EVERY TIME he has to go outside. Ugh. I could never do that." or "If I were you, I would have looked harder for an apartment that was nicer and allowed you to keep the dog."

Guess what...this is my reality. Mine. These are my choices. And dwelling on all the negative and all the bad puts me in a place I can't afford to be in. Because then I don't get out of bed and walk the dog. I don't go to the laundromat to clean my clothes. I don't hand wash my dishes. I lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. 

I find myself saying this phrase all of the time. This is my reality. It's hard and messy and sometimes super shitty. But, it's how I live now. It's who I am now. I am safe. I am happy. But I am doing this. I am living this life and I can't dwell in a negative headspace and fall into a hole I'm not sure I could pull myself out of.